01/04/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Bailout of Joe the Plumber

CNN (Atlanta) -- On December 1, the U.S. Government seized control of Joe the Plumber -- the famed plunger of politics -- preventing average Joe from falling into bankruptcy. Negotiators resisted overtures from Joe's mother to receive a nearly $700 loan and two extra-cheese pizzas, effectively deciding that Joe was just too big to be allowed to fail.

Joe the Plumber had maintained that while aggressively outspending his income on products from China, sinking massively into debt and speculating on residential real estate, he was "just trying to live the American dream". He continued, resting comfortably on his leather couch under his 72" plasma television, "I mean, how is anyone supposed to afford health care in this country!"

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was visibly dismayed at Joe the Plumber's excuses, but in the end dubbed Joe the victim. And like most people with power, when looked to for solutions, he asked more questions. "How could Joe possibly be expected to understand that a 60% loan to income ratio actually means that $6 our of every $10 you earn goes to pay your loan? Or that an adjustable rate loan at some point could possibly adjust upward?! This is pure unscrupulousness."

When asked about the Joe the Plumber Bailout, President elect Barack Obama's camp swiftly released a statement, "I understand that many out there are hurting. But let us be clear, there can only be one Joe the Plumber at a time. Until such time as I assume the duties of Joe the Plumber, or bring real change to the plumbing profession, I must leave the plumbing up to Joe. This may take two terms." Obama deferred all other questions to his 27 person "sanitation and liquid flow" dream team.

Sara Palin was eager to weigh in. "You know, the question the American people really want answered is about sustainable energy policy." She then began discussing what it is like to be a soccer mom. "Without Joe, I betcha the US and Canada might never have been united as one country," she concluded.

John McCain immediately suspended his campaign.

During the congressional hearing, congress was dismayed that Joe arrived at the event in his brand new Cadillac Escalade, but were appeased once Joe explained, "They offered me the employee discount, so I got the same price as the overpaid workers driving American manufacturing into insolvency. And they gave me a lease of 120% of the car's value." Congressmen conceded that the deal was too good for any reasonable citizen to pass up.

Joe is excited to have all this behind him, and plans to spend the remainder of December doing what so many other American's living on the edge of financial ruin will be doing.


Written by Richard Smith and Joe McCurdy.