04/25/2014 03:21 pm ET Updated Apr 26, 2014

Everything You Need To Know About 'The Other Woman' From Someone Who Hasn't Seen It


"The Other Woman" looks like the type of movie you'd watch when it's raining outside, and all your friends are out of town, and you just want to turn your brain off for 109 minutes. I say "looks like" because I haven't actually watched the movie, which stars Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann and Kate Upton's boobs.

Luckily, I don't have watch it (and you're about to thank me because neither do you) since plenty of websites all had the same brilliant idea on how to cover what will never be described as the "Citizen Kane" of chick flicks. So as a service to humanity, here is everything you need to know about "The Other Woman" to have a thoughtful discussion with your friends, family, co-workers and even clergy members if you see fit.

Kate Upton has boobs.

Kate Upton's acting "is as flat as her body is pneumatic," and her minimal lines include gems such as, "She's not a hooker, she's a slut," and "We should kick him in the balls."

The film's marketing department has no issue copping to the sole reason Kate Upton was cast.
kate upton best supported actress

There's a lot of talk about poop, because guys like poop jokes (and "Bridesmaids" was a success).

Nicki Minaj makes her acting debut as the token sassy black woman -- an assistant to Diaz's character -- providing sassy backtalk and a new wig in every scene.

Don't let Diaz's spiel about sisterhood and the film being about how women can "champion one another" fool you. This movie does not pass the Bechdel Test.

And yes, "Game of Thrones" fans, that is Jaime Lannister.