11/16/2011 09:52 am ET Updated Jan 16, 2012

God Told Me To Write This Article

On Saturday, Herman Cain (R-Godfather's Pizza) explained how he was called by God to run for president.

"I prayed and prayed and prayed," he told the flock. "I'm a man of faith, I had to do a lot of praying for this one, more praying than I'd ever done before in my life. And when I finally realized that it was God saying that this is what I needed to do, I was like Moses. 'You've got the wrong man, Lord. Are you sure?'"

Despite the skepticism of many, God confirmed Cain's story on Tuesday.

"Boy, did he ever pray and pray," the Almighty told me. "I didn't know who he was, though. The name was familiar -- Cain. But I dealt with that long ago. At one point, I thought of telling him to run just to shut him up and let Me get back to things that are actually important, far more than some wealthy egomaniac trying to land a job on Fox News. But I let it slide, figuring he'd get back to selling pizza. But still he kept praying. I thought, 'C'mon, guy, get a life. Don't rely on Me to do everything for you. If you want to jack up your lecture fees, you don't need My permission.'"

That's when the Lord received a revelation from Himself.

"The more I kept hearing from this Mr. Cain, the less I liked. I mean, here's this guy who sexually harasses women by habit, and I knew he'd continue getting away with it. So, I realized I should tell him to run for president. That way, it would come out, to his utter humiliation and let all women everywhere see that they weren't alone."

The Almighty leaned forward, and a twinkle came to His eye. "What I did next was so clever. I mean, honestly I knew that Herman Cain didn't stand a chance in the Republican Party. Nobody would care about him or look into his past. So...I surrounded him with the most pathetic field imaginable. That was all Me! The moment Herman Cain took the lead, that's when he became news, and the whole story of his sexual harassment history came out. It worked perfectly! I felt like Danny Ocean." Then He quickly added, "The first movie, not the other two."

I asked God what he thought about Mr. Cain comparing himself to Moses. It was the first time that the Supreme Being showed any sign of displeasure.

"I know Moses. And Herman Cain, you're no Moses. I mean, seriously, if I wanted someone to be president who sold fast food and prayed, Colonel Sanders would have been elected in 1968. But what bothered Me most was when Mr. Cain said 'You've got the wrong man, Lord. Are you sure?' Am I sure???? Am I sure?!! I am the Lord thy God. Yes, I'm sure!"

Whatever the motivation, the Almighty did get involved in presidential politics in Herman Cain's case. I wondered if that might raise some questions about other candidates who claimed to have been told by God to run.

"It's a tough situation, I admit," He said. "After all, most people outright lie about it. Or convince themselves they got 'a sign' because a car honked. And the truth is, I've done this sort of thing before. I did give a calling to Michele Bachman like she said, but it was for a similar reason as Herman Cain. She was so irresponsible in her crazy statements. I thought if I put her on a national stage, it would discredit her as an empty demagogue. It seemed to work, eh?"

So, You told Rick Perry to run for president, too, like he claimed, I asked, but just to show the governor up?

"Oh, no," God explained. "I had nothing to do with that. Rick Perry never concerned Me. I figured he was happy staying safely in Texas where he could keep accepting payoffs. No, no, he screwed up all on his own. Although.." and the Lord winked at me, "since he used My name as a PR gimmick, I did give him that brain freeze on TV."

That raised the interesting question about Sarah Palin, who, despite being the least-qualified person to ever run for vice president in U.S. history, had claimed it was "God's plan" that she run for the office.

"And how did that work out for her?" the Almighty snickered. "The joke is, it was My plan, just not the one she thought. I really do work in mysterious ways. It's loathsome how Republicans jam their personal religion down everyone else's throat, so I wanted to guarantee they wouldn't win. Nominating Ms. Palin shut that door, didn't it?"

It's all part of a disturbing trend God said He's been witnessing.

"Time was, people insisted it was the Devil who made them do something stupid. Now, I get the blame. 'It's God's will. His plan.' At least when they blamed Satan, everyone understood it was bad. When it's supposedly My doing, though, people think it's okay. It's not okay. And I don't tell anyone to run for public office. I have bigger things to do. When I want mankind to be shown Holy spiritual guidance, do people honestly think I turn to politicians?! That's why I created ministers and rabbis."

In the end, that's what the Heavenly Deity has on His mind and most wanted to get across.

"I'm really tired of Republicans thinking they're the Party of God, and insisting that I'm endorsing them. Don't presume you know the Lord's ways. When something is My plan, you'll know. Trust Me. I'm absolutely, unequivocally am not endorsing them. I am the Lord Thy God, hallowed be My name, and I am not endorsing Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin or any of these Republican candidates for president.

"I'm for Barack Obama.

"His first name means 'blessing.' You think that's an accident?"