In an unusual move, the remaining scheduled Republican debates will be replaced by a series of wrestling matches that pit the competing presidential candidates against a variety of large bears. "The American people are sick and tired of talk, talk, talk, talk, talk," said Evan Reutmaster, the Republican National Committee Press Director/Bear Wrangler. "They want action and it's clear that the candidates who can successfully wrestle and defeat a bear are ready to wrestle the economy, foreign policy, and Barack Obama."
In tonight's debate, televised live on CNN and Animal Planet, the eight Republican candidates will choose between Greco-Roman and freestyle human-bear wrestling; a lottery has already determined the ursine opponents, from a field including Grizzlies, Giant Pandas, and Asiatic Black Bears. Should the winner of each match actually be a bear, that bear will then be eligible to enter the Iowa Caucuses in February 2012, following appropriate periods of hibernation.
Washington insiders are unsure of what strategies the Republican candidates will bring to these matches, given their limited experience in bear wrestling. "Aside from Rick Perry shooting a coyote, this really levels the playing field," says Republican strategist Pete Hallmeck. "I have wrestled the bears of tax burdens and out-of-control government," Michele Bachmann told reporters earlier today. "A real bear should not be a problem, whether it's a Kodiak or a koala." When it was pointed out that a koala is not actually a real bear, Bachmann asked, "What about Yogi Bear?"
In a related story, Sarah Palin released a statement saying she definitely might not maybe not not seek the Oval Office and noted, "I don't need to run for president to wrestle bears."