09/07/2011 05:41 pm ET Updated Nov 07, 2011

Perry Recalls Firefighters, Will Combat Wildfires with Prayer

In a surprise announcement today, Governor Rick Perry (R-TX), having so far failed to contain the wildfires ravaging his home state, has declared that he will sign an executive order recalling all of Texas' firefighters and implementing an "emergency mandatory day of prayer and fasting" for all Texans to combat the flames.

Perry insisted that it was big government that incited the fire, and proposed eliminating the fire department to shrink what he calls "a government so big it's just begging to be burned." He then proposed additional measures, such as returning the money saved to oil companies in the form of tax cuts, as means to halt the blaze. Other ideas he endorsed included building a wall to keep new fires out of Texas in the future and arming citizens with free rifles to combat the flames.

The White House offered to supply the Texas fire department with emergency water reserves to douse the fire, but House Republicans opposed the measure, which Majority Leader Eric Cantor called "more incendiary leftist policies from a president who clearly doesn't understand how fires work."

"I'm sure President Obama would love to get the government involved," said the Governor. "But our government can't solve problems this severe, especially after what I've done to it. Only a strong combination of tax cuts and Jesus can protect our citizens."

When asked how his fire management skills could be applied to other issues if he's elected president, a confident Perry said his plan is to "shrink the government, cut taxes, and pray. That's all that's needed to solve America's problems." In response, Rep. Michelle Bachmann accused her opponent of governing like an establishment conservative instead of a true Tea Partier, and said that she would simply have her supporters protest the fire from their Hoverounds until it gave up its "liberal agenda."

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