04/27/2011 04:52 pm ET Updated Jun 27, 2011

Birthers Argue Hawaii Was Not in Space-Time Continuum When Obama Was Born

Following the release of President Obama's long-form birth certificate, members of the "Birther" movement now argue that Hawaii did not actually exist at the time of Obama's presumed birth. "Let's assume for a moment that Obama was born in Hawaii," says Birther Allan P. Mandelwright. "Well, it turns out that Hawaii had slipped out of the space-time continuum at the exact moment when the President claims to have been born. Therefore, he was not born in the United States. Cool, huh?"

Birther physicist Gordon Telluride explains that constant volcanic activity around Hawaii and, specifically, Oahu, created an intra-dimensional rift in the continuum which temporarily phased the 50th state out of normal space-time at precisely 7:24 p.m., August 4, 1961, the time the long-form birth certificate records as the future President's birth. "I was as shocked to discover this as you are to hear it," says Telluride. "I mean, really, you can't make this stuff up."

When asked how such a bizarre anomaly could occur and remain unnoticed until now, Telluride said, "Oh, I could go into a long explanation with terms like 'quantum mechanics' and 'alternate dimensional views' and 'Euclidian space,'" before pausing, coughing, staring at his shoes, and then running in the opposite direction. Mandelwright added, "More than anything else, I'd love to believe the President was born in Hawaii but, hey--this is science."