We all knew that Rudy Giuliani would find a way to win. America's former mayor has finally turned the trick by becoming a full-time TV talking head.
With no real job, no elected position and no prospect of one, Rudy has been reborn on cable television and the Internet. This week alone, Giuliani has gone nuclear on President Obama's latest peace initiative and showered his blessings on Florida Senate hopeful Marco Rubio and bondage-challenged RNC Chairman Michael Steele.
The president said the U.S. won't necessarily use atomic weapons to respond to a chemical or biological attack. Giuliani sees this as putting us another step down the road to a left-wing dream: a "nuclear-free world."
"President Obama thinks we can all hold hands, sing songs and have peace symbols," he said.
This from a man who never even made it out of Air Force ROTC.
The world statesman quickly swung from global affairs to Florida politics by endorsing Rubio over Gov. Charlie Crist in the GOP Senate race. Since Giuliani's endorsement makes no difference whatsoever, the story played best as an act of political revenge in which Rudy repaid Crist for failing to endorse him in the 2008 Florida presidential primary.
"He promised me he would endorse me--shook my hand--at my house--looked in my eye--twice--in front of my wife--then did not," Giuliani told Fox and Friends.
This wasn't the first time Crist played the heavy in Giuliani's disastrous Florida campaign. There was that moment in early 2007, before Rudy could even get going in the Sunshine State, when his secret, 140-page presidential campaign plan was leaked to the Daily News.
In addition to an ambitious $100 million fund-raising agenda, the plan also revealed that the baseball-crazy White House wannabe would refer to his biggest donors as "team captains," "MVPs" and Sluggers."
As you can see, Giuliani was already in trouble. The plan had evidently been lost or misplaced by a staffer during an earlier campaign swing in Florida, but Giuliani preposterously claimed that the document had been stolen.
This was obviously seen as a much better approach than admitting a candidate who had built his political reputation as a national security expert couldn't hang on to a 140-page secret document.
"Voters are sick and tired of dirty tricks," a Giuliani spokeswoman complained . The New York Post reported that suspicion in the Giuliani camp had fallen on none other than aides to Gov. Charlie Crist.
So it seems to be the case that Crist first stole Giuliani's most sensitive campaign document and then double-crossed the straight-shooting New Yorker by reneging on a promised endorsement. (Giuliani finished with 15 percent of the vote after spending more time in the state than Anita Bryant.)
Except for these interesting blasts from the past, Giuliani has become a two-trick pony. He'll criticize anything the Obama administration does, even things that he used to support, like holding a terror trial in Manhattan. (Scenes from this category can still be a little shocking for long-time Rudy-watchers who remember the man who ran New York during his pre-crazy period.)
Trick two is pro-forma support for all things Republican, like his recent defense of embattled RNC chairman Michael Steele.
Giuliani allowed that a "terrible mistake" had been made when the RNC dropped a couple of grand at a bondage-themed Hollywood nightclub. "It's something Michael certainly didn't sanction, something Michael didn't want. It happens in every organization. Gosh, it happens in the White House," Giuliani said.
Well, not the bondage part.