I want to start living my best life.
Oprah talks about Living Your Best Life and look at her! She's doing it! Is there anyone on the planet living a better life than Oprah? Nope. Except, maybe, Beyoncé. (It's a toss-up when it comes to whether Oprah or Beyoncé is living a better life. Beyoncé is a much better dancer, but Oprah has Gayle.)
If I'm going to Live My Best Life, I need to do something about my car. It's a minivan. And it's dirty. Really dirty. I need to clean it immediately.
Cleaning my minivan was not my highest priority until this morning when my son drew on the dusty passenger door with his finger. And, technically, he didn't draw, he wrote. My son took his finger and wrote the word "poop" on my car.
I do want to point out that he spelled the word "poop" correctly. I want to find a silver lining because Living Your Best Life is about finding silver linings when possible. And my son's spelling was perfect! Hooray for that small but important detail! But, no matter how it's spelled, "poop" is an unacceptable word for someone who is Living Her Best Life to have on her car.
If my son had written "breathe" or "meditate" I might just leave it. But he didn't. He can't even spell "meditate" or "breathe" because each has a silent "e." That's a shame. This whole mess could have been avoided had the words "meditate" and "breathe" been easier to spell. Or had my 6-year-old son been a better speller. Dammit!
When I discovered "poop" on my minivan -- the word, not actual feces; and, yes, another silver lining that it wasn't actual poop -- I attempted to wipe it off with my shirt. But, it didn't work and now my shirt and my car are dirty. In order to Live My Best Life, I must a) wash my car and b) put on a clean shirt.
Changing my shirt means adding more to an already full pile of dirty clothes. Adding more to a full pile of dirty clothes will require that I do a load of laundry. And, there are wet clothes in my washing machine.
I hate to admit this, but I have a bad habit of leaving wet clothes in the washing machine; this can make clothes smell like mildew. Smelling like mildew is -- obviously -- not Living Your Best Life. If Living Your Best Life had a smell it would be vanilla or citrus or, possibly, lavender. The smell of Living Your Best Life is just about anything except mildew (or actual feces which is thankfully not smeared on my car!).
I'll have to rewash the clothes in the washing machine. But, sadly, I'm out of laundry detergent -- which means I'll have to run to the grocery store.
Let me just stop for a moment and tell you that I have three kids. When you have three kids, there is no running to the grocery store. When you have three kids, there is no running anywhere. Everything takes a long-ass time when you have three kids -- especially grocery shopping. And, before we can go, I'll need to feed my kids or they'll be hungry and whiny while we shop, instead of just plain whiny.
Living Your Best Life means giving your kids healthy snacks. A good snack is, clearly, organic. The ideal snack is a fruit or vegetable. And, if I'm being honest with myself (and honesty is part of Living Your Best Life), it should be something that I grew from my own garden.
I will need the kids to get out there and plant with me. This needs to be a family effort. This needs to be the kind of thing I can show off on Facebook with an adorable picture: "Here are the kids planting in their garden. Again."
Before we can plant, I'll have to lather the children up with sunscreen. Living Your Best Life in 2014 starts with sun protection. In fact, if I had to define Living Your Best Life in two words, it would be "sun protection." I think that's what Oprah is probably trying to tell us. Wear sunscreen! That's what the song says: "If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it." Or was it a graduation speech?
It may have been a newspaper columnist who told people to wear sunscreen. I remember reading this somewhere. Ugh. Crap. Or, as my son wrote, "Poop!"
I need to look that up on my phone. I need to find out who wrote it.
I'm going to have to do that right away.
I don't think I'm going to be able to Live My Best Life until I figure this out.
[Checks Google.]
[Checks Facebook.]
[Refreshes Facebook.]
On second thought, I'll start Living My Best Life tomorrow.
This post originally appeared on Mammalingo.