03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

2010: The Year of These Things

Since I wrote a sketch about Yemen 4 years ago and a joke about Bush causing attacks on NYC & DC in August 2000, I consider myself a bona fide soothsayer. Therefore, better late than on time, here are 10 '10 Predictions:

  1. Girls will be girls, boys will be boys, and a popular singer will be both.
  2. Sarah Palin will tweet that the Sun rotates around the Earth. It will be at the top of the leading blogs. An article on the blog coverage of the tweet will be on the front page of several major newspapers. Frank Rich will blow his brains out.
  3. From Jersey Shore to CNN: "The Situation" will appear on The Situation Room.
  4. Wolf Blitzer's beard will come alive and mate with Andersen Cooper's hair. Their offspring will be worn by Lady Gaga.
  5. A politician, an athlete, a businessman, and a movie star will get caught cheating. They will apologize, retire, fake their own deaths, and reemerge as columnists for the New York Post.
  6. A white man will get an obscene amount of money for doing very little - i.e. running a bank, bribing a Senator, writing a book. In a sign of progress, a black man will, too (though he'll be a socialist).
  7. A marginally attractive actress with an excellent publicist will be the hot new thing.
  8. Several celebrities will die. There will be much rejoicing.
  9. Someone will do something stupid. We'll be there to catch it.
  10. Four words: Joe Biden sex tape.