Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your energy will shift as Mars enters Uranus, so put your worries on hold and take that adventurous leap into fun. You have a special intestinal tract, and whatever you can do to assist operations there, the better off you will be. FIBER! Poop joke, Check!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week could motivate you to try new exercise activities with friends. Make sure not to bend the truth on your level of expertise, for example, mentioning you have completed an Iron Man when in fact, you have not. The truth will be revealed, when your friend sees you crying by mile three and being taken away by an ambulance because the "pins and needles" have decided to attack your body.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Love is a pleasure for you this week. The energy from the planets create a magical time for you and your loved one. Make sure to enjoy this while you can because you will be back to arguing over who used the last of the TP and then clogged the toilet with paper towels.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With the Full Moon this week, someone special may appear, as if, by magic! You will begin to notice them "liking" many of your boring posts on Facebook, accidentally bumping into at social events and you may spot them outside your window in the middle of the night. Remember, this new love is exciting and way more fun than your life-size cuddle pillow.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
With Mars in your House of Health there may be problems with infections, fevers, bleeding or ailments on account of carelessness. Yes, even the stars can see how clumsy you are and agree you should finally get your own health insurance*. *Special reminder to the writer of these horoscopes, seriously I need to grow up.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
With a deceiving Neptune in your House of Couples, it seems more appropriate for fleeting flirts and affairs rather than serious commitments. Make sure to come up with a better excuse than "The Universe said so!" when you get caught sneaking out in the morning with a souvenir pair of your lover's undies.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
As the sentimental Cancer Full Moon moves in, you will feel compelled to share your feelings. Try to confide in others you wouldn't normally turn to, like your boss. I'm sure they will appreciate you crying about the PBS special "The Art of Crotchet" that reminds you of your Grandma, her sweet moth ball smell, and the 50 blankets she made that you accidentally set on fire.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Money matters will be on your mind this week but do your homework before investing. Just think, your only son will no longer be able to go to college since you decided to spend his savings on, Candwich the emergency sandwich in a can, perfect for those pesky natural disasters.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Your superhero powers are fully engaged this week and it may be inappropriate to put your feelings out there for all to see. Nobody wants a crying Batman, nobody.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
As Jupiter enters your 3rd House of Romance, this is a great time to take your sweetest love out on an adventure, preferably something with an element of danger like Miami's own swingers club, Miami Velvet. What? Did you think I would suggest camping in the Everglades? Boring.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
As Mars enters your sector of self, make sure to not get pulled in two different directions. You can avoid feeling overwhelmed by hiring a look-a-like actor to deal with all of those annoying chores and plotting out the perfect plan to pull off a buddy heist.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
An unhealthy relationship might come to an end when the Full Moon takes place this week. Just remember that when one pole dance ends another pole dance begins.