Leah
After a stressful week of college and kids, it's time for another date with Jeremy! He must have learned his lesson last time -- 'cause on this one, he whips out a helmet and quickly renders Leah incapable of talking. She hops on the back of his motorcycle and they ride like the wind. In fact, if she had any undamaged strands of human hair on her head, I bet it would have wafted right through them.
"I think it's time to make it official," Jeremy says afterwards when they are sitting on some random concrete steps. "Ahhh! I can't believe I have a boyfriend" is Leah's pretty adorable response. Now that she's been his girlfriend for a solid three seconds, she decides to reveal the fact that she cheated on her previous man. Nothing says "you made the right choice!" like a reminder that you're dating a sex-crazed infidel.
But, as they stare in to each other's hoop earrings, it's obvious that they are ready to overlook the past. "I'm glad I sent that friend request on Facebook," he says, like a real-life cyber Romeo. You know that if those two crazy kids didn't end up dead in the play they would have poked the junk out of each other first.
Now that Jeremy is her boyfriend, it's time for him to meet the twins. When he comes over, Leah's in the middle of a very attractive diaper change, complete with bum lotion. It's just "Babies Gone Wild" up in that trailer, I tell you -- and I bet those chubby little hands didn't even sign the consent forms.
Over at Corey's house, his parents ask about his ever-changing Facebook status; For about three days it said "In a Relationship." Apparently that fell apart almost as quickly as it started, and his mom knows why: His standards are too high. "You need to find a girl who may not be the prettiest thing on earth," she says inexplicably. Uh, what? I'm pretty sure your son is well aware that he looks permanently stoned and has the thinnest lips possible in the history of lips. There's no need to rub it in.
"I ain't never getting married again. I'm gonna wait until I'm like 80 when I ain't got much longer to live," Corey replies. Hey, it's working for Hugh Hefner.
Meanwhile, Leah's desperate to tell someone about the status of things with her beloved Jeremy, so she calls her trusty friend Kayla and says: "Hey Kayla, do you recall that lovely tree in that random park? Let us sit under it so that nature may flourish around us just as my new relationship has." Or, that's how it would sound if "Teen Mom 2" and "Downton Abbey" had a crossover episode called "Downteen Babbey."
Leah quickly dishes on their most recent date. Although she has survived birthing twins, living in a trailer and handling the furry creature that grows above her forehead, she still found the back of a bike to be "scary." "Now I feel like you're you again, but like, a whole new you," Kayla says happily. Um ... that makes no sense but we'll just let it go. Kayla's got enough problems with, like, having her face.
Since Jeremy will be around her babies, Leah decides to tell Corey about their new status. Plus, it's kinda nice to rub Mr. New into Mr. Old-And-In-Need-Of-Subtitles' face. Corey, surprisingly, takes the news extremely well -- and Leah seems frustrated. Since she couldn't get his blood pressure to rise, she decides to mess with hers. "Are you dating anyone?," she probes. "I've dated a couple and they didn't work out," Corey admits sullenly, never actually clarifying if he meant a couple of humans. (Hey, you never know. Boyfriend's real into hunting.)
When they hang up, I search Leah's face for something -- maybe a flicker of happiness that Corey was single, perhaps some melancholy -- but she simply goes back to her work. Her "work," in case you didn't notice, is violently highlighting sections of a piece of paper. Either she's truly moved on ... or perhaps this is just what resigning oneself to a new life looks like.
Jenelle
Though Jenelle is feeling good, she's also off her meds -- and Bahhbrahh is the first to remind her that this is, unfortunately, how being bipolar works. One minute you're flying high, the next you have "episodes, and end up in a big crisis." (She actually pronounces that mostly like a normal person, so no Bahhbrahh translation necessary.) Since Jenelle's face registers no emotion and she looks about one level above zombie, the conversation is pretty unsettling. If this is what "good" looks like ... then I'm nervous to see "bad" again.
Now that her mental health issues are out of the way, it's time to discuss the truly important update: Jenelle's met someone new. "Is he skinny?," Bahhbrahh wonders. "You ahlways go fuh skinny guys! AAAHH AHAHAHA." Bahhbrahh's getting a real kick out of herself tonight. She seems so excited that her daughter is "stepping uhp" that she even says it's OK for Jenelle to bring Jace out for a whole day. It's nice to see them getting along, but the whole scene pains me, too. Bahhbrahh's trying so hard not to ruffle a feather, that the entire convo feels artificial and forced. Smiling and nodding at everything your screwed up kid says doesn't equal a relationship -- but any communication that's not screaming is a step in the right direction.
A few days later, after school, Jenelle's pal Marissa introduces her to Mr. Skinny. His name is Josh and [SPOLER ALERT] he's her future ex-boyfriend. You may recall that she revealed his identity to the Internet in the fall of 2011, only to announce the devastating news of their end a week later.
When they finally meet face-to-face, Jenelle opens with the words ever guy loves to hear: "So, you know I have a baby, right?" He doesn't seem very flustered, mostly because his face is really strange and hard to read. He sort of has a cro-mag thing going, and I'm struggling to understand his jaw.
Looks aside, he's totes perfect for Jenelle because he has a record, too. He was on probation for stealing his mom's credit card, which everyone seems to think is really impressive and amusing. He probably kept it under his bangs on his massive forehead. There's a large amount of storage space there. He probably snuck a Macy's and Sephora card up in the ol' head wallet, too.
It's funny -- I never truly appreciated evolution until I was reminded of what we all used to look like.
Since Jenelle has deemed Josh acceptable, she plans a day at the aquarium with Jace. The little guy is totally enthralled with the fish ... and Jenelle's all about her new catch, too.
After their successful double date (Jenelle and Josh, friend Melissa and Jace), Jenelle's ready to try a solo adventure. Since Josh has a car and is either 21 or 22, Bahhbrahh's all about it. "Don't show him yah bad side," she warns.
At the bowling alley, Jenelle mostly just shows him how little effort she can put into her appearance. It's like she spends two hours drawing in her eyebrows then totally gives up on the rest of her face.
Since things went so well, it's time for Josh to meet Bahhbrahh -- but Jenelle's admittedly in a bad mood and completely off her meds. Josh sweetly suggests that they bring Jace out for another adventure, but Jenelle bites his head off. "When I get tired, I turn into a raging bitch, dude," she grumbles before storming out. "That's what happens with bipolar people," she explains to Josh. "They're happy, happy, happy and then they are depressed for days."
With that, sweet little Jace walks out to the car and hands Jenelle a tiny purple flower. She takes it gently and looks at the delicate petals, trying to replace her anger with love. Poor Jenelle. She's the butt of endless jokes in this column, but nobody would really choose to live like this.
Chelsea
As Chelsea spirals into a depression, her face also revolts against her. You can't keep anything from me, Chelsea. Plus, when you get zits, they are roughly the size of those puppies that you have in your house for about a day. Friend Kayla has suggested that she get help (from a therapist, although a dermatologist might be a good idea too), and Chelsea gives us a window into her world: The majority of people in her family have suffered from depression, and Adam's not the first boy to let her down.
Since turning to food is easier than actually seeking out a professional, Chelsea breaks out the mega-jumbo Sprite and frozen pizza. Her skin screams in horror and her hair sighs in relief. It's a lot easier to be the second ugliest part of a person, after all. (Note: My boyfriend says I am too mean to Chelsea, but we know it's all in good fun. Or, at least I know it's all in good fun)
At lunch with her mom (who has a NOSE RING NOW?!), Chelsea brings up therapy again. Mom, who is obviously having some sort of midlife crisis in which she tests out every adolescent fashion tend, is "all for it." She seems a little glum, though, and I'm assuming it's because she's no longer sporting her fabulous hair feathers. Can someone introduce her to Jenelle already? I am just picturing them rocking out at the next Ke$ha concert, and it's the most delightfully horrifying scene ever.
Since Aubree's at Adam's for the night, Chelsea's finally free to have a therapy session. She puts on her best sweats, calls up an Oompa Loompa friend to bring over some orange foundation, and heads on over.
The therapist immediately delves into her relationship with Adam, followed by her life as a child of divorce. Chelsea says her mom and dad's breakup was when everything started to go wrong, and she yearns for the days when her family lived under the same roof. Suddenly, her desperate desire to make it work with Adam is a bit more understandable: She wants to shield Aubree from the pain of a broken home. Afterwards, Chelsea admits therapy wasn't that bad -- but she's not convinced.
Since her therapist said to Google "boundaries," Chelsea breaks out her iPad. As she reads a checklist of "unhealthy" ones, she quickly realizes that every single item applies to her. Yep, I sense a lot of therapy in Chelsea's future -- and for the first time, she does to.
Kailyn
When Jo comes over to pick up Isaac, Kailyn's not her best self. With tears in her eyes and a nose that desperately needs to be blown, she blubbers her Jordan pain. "I'm not going to find anyone else that accepts me the way he did," she says. It's all extremely awkward considering they are both well aware that Kailyn is likely crying more for Jo than for Jordan.
Jordan was her backup plan, and it failed -- so now the wounds that she was trying to heal in the first place are uncovered yet again. Every time Jo tries to soothe her with a "you'll find someone" or a "what a loser," it's just a painful reminder that he's not saying, "Hey, let's give US a try."
When she's feeling better a few days later, she meets with friend Gigi for some gossip and beautification. Yes, Gigi is actually daring enough to run her hands (and a curling iron) through Kailyn's hair and, shockingly, she's not coming across any of the tiny creatures that work in the oil factory.
Kailyn admits that she's going to break up with Jordan ... and confesses that he was really just a rebound that she caught a second time. "How are you going to do it?" friend Gigi wonders. Kailyn's not sure, but I've got an idea: Text him a photo of the horrible act that Gigi is committing upon your hair. That'll send him running.
Finally, it's time for the fateful call. Jordan immediately apologizes for standing her up, but Kailyn has made up her mind. "I think I need to move on from our relationship," she says point blank. Jordan agrees, although he says it will be hard not to see her or Isaac. As far as "Teen Mom 2" breakups go, it's extremely chill. No histrionics, just the stone cold truth: Kailyn and Jordan were never right for each other. Someday, he will meet a lovely girl who enjoys eating all meals out of Tupperware, and it will be love at first slurp.
Though she's depressed, Kailyn goes out to meet Jo and pick up Isaac. "You'll find someone who is perfect for you someday, and you will be their little queen," Jo says sweetly. But oops -- "That's what you used to call me," Kailyn replies with a sad smile. C'mon, Jo! Get your head right. If you know you've got a Stage 5 clinger on your hands, it's best not to remind her of the good ol' days, before you decided to throw condoms to the wind and make an illegitimate child.
Jo glosses over his error, reminding Kailyn that he's officially dating Vee. "It's hard for me thinking about [Isaac] having a step-mom," Kailyn admits. "Sometimes it crosses my mind about being with you," she says hopefully. "We've come so far from that," Jo replies, dashing her dreams of a happy, rapping family. This is like getting your stitches ripped out, and poor Kailyn starts to tear up again. Note to all the ladies: If you are feeling sad about the end of a relationship, try not to meet up with another dude who has expressed a desire to also not be with you.
"Teen Mom 2" airs on Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.
