12/05/2012 03:06 pm ET Updated Feb 04, 2013

What I Don't Want for Christmas

My wife and kids have been at me to make a Christmas list to give them some idea what to do for me this year. So I sat down in front of the television with the accumulated stack of Christmas catalogues to give myself the full Christmas inspiration. I was unable to find anything I want, but I did produce a list of things I definitely do not want for Christmas.

-The Best Talking Watch in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue. It was news to me that there are enough talking watches in the world to have one of them considered the best. Is it the best at talking, or the best at telling time? If the watch is insistently wrong in English, I'd want to punch its clock.

-The Charmed Memories Bracelet from Kay's Jewelers. Even if the charms are hand crafted in Italy, I have my own memories, thank you. And not being a woman, I don't think it would look good on me.

-A Gemstone Globe Winestopper from Russell's for Men. I find that the cork usually jams back into the bottle just fine, and it's a rare bottle of wine in my house that needs re-corking anyway.

-Travel Vest from TravelSmith. I've been a professional traveler all my life and nothing says "tourist," or in some countries "kidnap me," like a travel vest.

-Personalized garage workshop mat from Lillian Vernon. It has cute pictures of wrenches, clamps and hammers on it, and in the middle I could have it personalized with "Brian's Garage." Well, I already know that the garage is mine and everyone else in the house knows it too. They've been told to stay out.

-Gift Coupon from Harry and David. Fruit is great but coupons are not. Have you ever seen anyone jumping up and down Christmas morning shouting "I got a coupon, I got a coupon!"? And with my luck, it would be the wrong size.

-LL Bean Baxter State Parka. This parka is good down to 45 below zero and the whole idea of it appeals to me. But as much as I love outdoor equipment, I probably have more than I will wear out for the rest of my life. Also, I live in Los Angeles where "freezing" is defined as 45 degrees above zero.

-A Fondue pot from Macy's. I vaguely remember that sometime in the 1970s, when the leisure suit was in fashion, the fondue pot was popular. Everyone had one, but no one served fondue. The pot was a garage sale item, which gives me an idea.

Maybe I'll ask for every item on this list, then have a garage sale and buy something I want with the proceeds. Some guy named Brian would have to buy the garage mat.