07/10/2008 08:41 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

More Realistic G8 Resolutions

For the first time yesterday, the United States joined the other major industrialized countries involved in the Group of Eight Summit in committing to try to halve greenhouse-gas emissions by 2050. Here are some of the other goals that the G-8 leaders are set to announce this week:

1) Double the number of the earth's continents by 3000.
2) Quadruple the height of the average European toddler by 2027.
3) Halve your fat and triple your muscle mass without exercise or diet in 8 weeks!!!
4) Quintuple the brightness of all the pretty shooting stars by 2385.
5) Quarter them pesky chipmunks that been eatin up my blueberry bush.
6) Sextuple the surface area of Caribbean beaches and coral reefs in time for my vacay, Summer 2K8.
7) Multiply by one million the world's supply of crude oil by, like, yesterday.
8) Get a whole bunch a dinosaurs back up in this piece by 2102.
9) Double whatever Hu Jintao's dessert is over there and get him to share it ASAP.
10) Balance the US budget by 2013.