Dear Latter-Day Saints,
I couldn't help but be impressed by your swift mobilization in support of Prop. 8, and even more so, your unstoppable stand in sanctifying marriage. Indeed, your Church has become a shining example for the kind of moral stance this country must adopt in ushering in a new era. For that reason, I want to propose that the Church take its position one step further.
As much as I hate to admit it, the gays have a point when they say, "Hey! Sanctity of marriage, my tush! Just look at all those shotgun weddings and failed marriages and abusive marriages and unfaithful marriages! Let's talk about the sanctity of marriage a minute." Indeed, the gays have a big point when they say this.
So this whole paradox has really been keeping me up at night, and I finally came up with a solution. The scenario goes something like this: All U.S. marriages shall be rescinded, whether between man and man, woman and woman, or -- here goes -- woman and man. They shall be reinstated only once the couple applies to and has their marriage sanctified by the U.S. government, which is, in this scenario, a bit of a puppet (a good puppet!) of the Church and its friends.
Now you guys are going to be experts at mashing up the details of this whole operation. I'm sure there's a whole psalm in the Book of Mormon about all this, or fiat, or style guide. But here are a few of my thoughts, in no particular order. Clearly the first questions will be: "Are you a man?" and "Is your wife a woman?" You'll have to lay out some ground rules for... well... validating those claims. We don't want any funny business! Especially from a community so used to screwing with nature! (Maybe a marriage-certified doctor's note would do?)
Then there are maybe some letters of recommendations. Credit checks. Assessments by qualified Sanctifiers as to the long-term childbearing goals of the couple in question. And Sanctifiers... I almost forgot to mention them. They're elected officials, who basically give the Green Light to couples that wish to marry, and like all elected U.S. officials, there will have to be some comprehensive background checking. I think Joe Biden would make a really good Sanctifier, or maybe even Sarah Palin. They agree the gay marriage is right out, and those choices would appeal to both sides of the aisle.
Like I said, you guys are pros at this. I trust your judgment a hundred and ten percent in the refining of the details and strictures. I just want to emphasize that this should be an intensive process due to many of the best of us just won't qualify to be married. (My boyfriend's in my bed right now doing a striptease, almost a testament to our hopeless perversion. (He even found this ridiculous Barack Obama thong that just cracks me... and him up.) Hey, we know we're sick! We're the first to fess up to the fact that if we had children, we'd molest them and screw up all their instinctual notions about putting a square peg in a round hole, and things like that.) And that's okay. The point is, we know ourselves well enough to know we should just continue living in sin. We stay away from children, we keep our perversion really discreet (none of that garish hand-holding stuff), and we let the righteous shine a light for us. We're on the same page. This isn't going to be easy. But who am I kidding? You Latter-Day Saints have never had it easy.
So in short, if we're going to play fair, treat everybody like "equals," like the Constitution says, we need to take away not only the gay couples' "rights," but the rights of all couples who don't qualify. Only then can we say truly that marriage is a sacred institution.
Godspeed and keep up the good work ;-),
Johnathan Wilber