10/02/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Con Games: Hi Jesus, It's Your Pal Sarah

Dear Jesus,

I know You're busy, but hey -- there's no way You could be more busy than me. I had to take my first trip on a Gulfstream IV today just to make it in time for my big appointment. You know the one: your pal John McCain picked me to be his running mate -- me, a nobody from Nowhere, USA who nobody knows but You.

Now I know you've been working overtime for me and mine, not just by giving me the Vice Presidential nomination, but also by making my big day the same day as my 20th anniversary and John McCain's 72nd birthday. But there is something that's been bothering me ever since I left Dayton -- and no, it's not how Cindy McCain broke her arm or why she always wears those awful colors that show up her husband.

It's something much worse.

You see, Jesus, I never mentioned You during my speech until the last line, not once during the whole speech in Dayton while I thanked my husband, my children, my parents, John McCain -- I thanked everyone but the Anheuser-Busch company -- so I need you to know that's it's not because of my wicked pride, the thing that made me want to be Miss Alaska.

It's not because of anything You or I said or did.

It's because they wouldn't let me say Your name, O Lord, not once until I got to the very last line of my speech and I had to shout "God Bless America" without everyone shouting over me like tone of those old-time religion revival meetings. You know the kind I mean. But I want You to know I tried, Jesus: Lord, how I tried. But the handlers--were the Apostles like handlers?--they would not let me thank You personally or say one damn word about my personal faith.

They said God would only hurt them in the swing states.

I say different: I say that my faith lights me up like an old-fashioned light bulb taking all my questions away, the same way the sun never goes to bed any time soon in Alaska during some times of the year.

What made it hurt twice as much was what Barack Obama said the night before. He didn't talk about God or Jesus or faith until the very last line of his speech, too, when he said: "God bless America." When I saw that I said what a fool for not saying it sooner. And then I went out and did the same damn thing in the same damn sentence.

Jesus, Jesus!

I know You know the truth because You are the Truth, but I need You to know that now I know the truth too, now more than ever. I have a personal relationship with you so I know we can talk about these things.

God bless you, Jesus. And God bless America while You still can.

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