Marriage is a sacred union that should be treated with the utmost reverence ― well, most of the time anyway.
Every now and then you just have to laugh at the ridiculousness that comes with sharing your life with another human being. Below, 21 tweets about married life that hit the nail on the head.
Me: Do you want anything from the store?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 21, 2016
wife: No thanks
[cut to me reading ice cream flavors to her over the phone for 20 minutes]
Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom
— Jeffw (@Jeffwni) March 25, 2015
Me: I'll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
*watching husband sleep*
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
The only tangible benefit to being married so far is being able to sing along to Beyoncé's "you ain't married to no average bitch, boy."
— Joanna Borns (@robotics) June 24, 2016
It's so nice to see the fun-loving man my husband becomes on vacation; the place where he lets us adjust the thermostat whenever we'd like.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) August 25, 2016
My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
— Charles Demers (@charliedemers) January 16, 2016
Husband: I love you.
— Flankenstein (@imdaintyaf) September 12, 2016
Me: *eating a potato chip really loudly* You should. I'm a goddamn miracle.
WIFE: can you review the grocery list and add anything?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 4, 2016
ME: *reviews and adds a few items*
WIFE: *reviews and removes the items i added*
if it comes down to either my wife’s decorative towels or you bleeding to death, please don’t be mad
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) September 16, 2016
Yes, I’m a happy husband and father, but I do miss my crazy bachelor days, when I could double dip a chip with impunity.
— So Far, So Meh (@TheAlexNevil) September 20, 2016
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 30, 2016
I bet my husband's favorite thing about me is how I don't order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016
Married sext: After I massage your legs with Ben Gay, we can watch Netflix and stare at our phones until we fall asleep.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) October 5, 2016
I would describe my current fitness level as "It's a good thing I'm already married."
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) September 29, 2016
It's Friday night, so you know what that means!
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 2, 2016
*watches documentary about Duke Ellington
*begs husband to "get these pretzels away from me"
Me: I ate all the chips.
— keith (@tchrquotes) September 26, 2016
Wife: What!? For the boys' lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You're not going to believe this
My wife is an only child. Earlier today we had 2 identical unopened water bottles. I reached for one & she said "oh that was mine."
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) September 6, 2016
Me: Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you very much.
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) September 21, 2016
Wife: Goodnight, I love you, too.
Me: I was talking to the dog.
The closest I've been to a nightclub is trying to find my wife in Sephora.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 13, 2016
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 27, 2016
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Wife: I have a headache. I need some Advil
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) October 5, 2016
Me: Adville sounds like a fictitious city where marketing people would live
Wife: Not helping
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