A Definitive Ranking Of Cold Cuts

According to science, etc.

Just kidding! If you're expecting a serious, academic ranking of cold cuts, boy are you in for a surprise.

19. Olive loaf/literally any kind of loaf

EVER WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU COMPACTED VOMIT INTO A GIANT MEAT CUBE? WELL WONDER NO MORE.

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18. Liverwurst

The French eat foie gras, and us classy Americans, what do we eat for a pâté? LiverWORST!!???

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17. Tongue

HOW ABOUT NO.

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16. Braunschweiger

Um sorry, how do you pronounce this German roadkill? NEXT!

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15. Sandwich style pepperoni

Is pepperoni having an identity crisis? YOU BELONG ON PIZZA. Go home, pepperoni. You're drunk.

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14. Corned beef

Oh goodie! Salty, cured beef that smells like ass.

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13. Chicken

WHO CONSIDERS CHICKEN TO BE DELI MEAT? WHOOOOOO?

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12. Pastrami

Otherwise known as the deli meat that forever tarnished the reputation of the name Reuben.

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11. Bologna

Mortadella's socially awkward cousin. It should honestly change its spelling to baloney because wtf, that's how it's pronounced.

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10. Salami

Sweaty mystery meat squeezed into the most phallic shape possible. Yet so delicious that we're willing to overlook these flaws.

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9. Turkey

Turkey breast is so plain it's like the dry humping of deli meats. Fortunately, it goes well with a ton of things.

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8. Ham

On the one hand, it might cause cancer. On the other hand, ham is delicious.

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7. Dry salami

Proof that regular salami was just a rough draft.

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6. Soppressata

Dry salami's spicy, sexy version. Think bored housewife after all the plastic surgery.

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5. Mortadella

Bologna's cool older cousin who studied abroad in Italy, drives a Vespa and has impeccable taste in wine.

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4. Roast beef

We have no beef with roast beef because this hunk of meaty goodness hits the spot.

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3. Capocollo

If you Googled this one, you probably read that it's pork neck (ew). But if you've eaten this one, you've probably experienced a small slice of heaven. So there.

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2. Bresaola

Bresaola tastes so divine it's practically Jesus Christ in meat form.

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1. Prosciutto di Parma

The Beyoncé of deli meats.

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You're welcome.

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