Did you know that on average people who are unhappy in their romantic relationship have been so for about seven years before they seek help?[1] And let me tell you, seven years of misery and disappointment take a terrible toll on what I call the "emoplasticity" or the emotional flexibility and bandwidth of a relationship.
My guess is that right about now you are wondering why a couple would wait so long before they seek help. Well, couples often "beat themselves up" when things go wrong, making statements like, "We should be able to repair this ourselves," or "What if there is no fix for our relationship and we have to get a divorce?" I call these "motivation-busters," and they serve to halt any productive action.
How do I know when I'm in trouble relationship-wise? Paint me a picture.
Your relationship for the purposes of this illustration looks like a stool. There is the seat, which is the marriage itself, that is balanced atop and supported by, three legs. The legs of the stool are called passion, play and productivity. If anything happens to one or more of the legs, the stool begins to get wobbly, and if the legs are damaged enough they will collapse entirely and the stool will be destroyed!
Let's look at what each leg does:
- Passion: It's about your commitment, sex, affection and the desire to simply "be" with your partner.
Can I repair my stool if it is broken?
Possibly. If you build your stool out of good materials but your aspirations are "fuzzy" and your stool collapses, that's eminently fixable. If you build your stool out of "emotional chewing gum and bailing twine" and you are all about great aspirations (think the multi-million dollar wedding, 72-day Kardashian marriage), that's not repairable.
The "stool" model is a useful tool that you can use to check on the health of your intimate relationship. Have a frank conversation with your partner and ask, "How sturdy is our stool?" Examine the various legs together and determine which ones may or may not need work. If your stool is solid, hurrah for you! If it's a little more on the wobbly side, here are some practical dos and don'ts.
- Don't wait for things to get worse. If you've been unhappy for more than six months, get help.
For more by Margaret Cochran, Ph.D., click here.
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References:
[1] Karney and Bradbury, "The Longitudinal Course of Marital Quality and Stability:
A Review of Theory, Method, and Research." Psychological Bulletin 1995, Vol. 118, No. 1,3-34