Black Friday is nearly here, and it's time to be told which must-have products are worth trampling each other for this holiday season.
Are you ready for the answer? Here it is: None.
There are exactly zero Black Friday deals worth getting enough to hurt someone, or risk being hurt yourself. This is what Tickle-Me-Elmo thinks of the fact that your deranged, barbaric consumerism allowed your mind to go there even for a second:
While we're with Elmo on this one -- and you really should be too -- hordes of people around the nation must be at least a little less sure. They're preparing to camp out in frigid temperatures outside big box stores, waiting to join the crush of humanity as it flows through the aisles, carrying away the best deals on products that they never really needed in the first place.
Black Friday can seem ridiculous, but it's no joke. Every year, seemingly unfathomable things happen on the day after Thanksgiving, including deaths and injuries. The first casualty of modern times came in 2008, when a New York Walmart worker was killed in a stampede of frenzied shoppers. Five years later, Walmart still hasn't paid a fine for its employee's death.
In 2011, Black Friday shoppers ignored a collapsed comrade, leaving him to die as they rushed the store hunting for sales. A year later, would-be customers exchanged gunfire outside a store after a dispute over a parking spot. Two were wounded.
If you think that's bad, it's only getting worse. This year, the deals are starting earlier than ever, with many stores opening their doors to the masses on Thanksgiving Day, thereby forcing workers and enabling shopping obsessed consumers to give up their holiday.
Look, we understand the desire to get Christmas shopping out of the way as early and as cheaply as possible. But if you're considering taking part in Black Friday (or Thursday) this year, just ask yourself: Is the urge to buy things really so strong that you need to partake in a free-for-all that will undoubtedly end in tragedy for someone, somewhere this year?