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*****
Let's not waste anytime today...
(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
Dear Mrs. Web,
Hi! So I've been dating a man for four and a half years who I am madly in love with. But about three months ago, we broke up over something that was big enough that it made me question our future together. During our time apart I got together with an ex who I also love who has been expressing how he's been waiting for me to break up with my ex so that he could proclaim his love for me. Now, during the time we were talking, I made it clear there was a possibility that I'd get back with my ex and that I loved them both and really had to think it through. Well, after a month of thinking, I've chosen my boyfriend of four and a half years. How do I tell my ex I've made this choice? We have been best friends for 10 years. Should I do this over a phone call, or should I wait until I see him in person in a month? (We live in different states.) Not telling him almost feels like I'm lying, but at the same time he is the type of person who is hurt easily, and I know if we talk about it face-to-face, he will take it better. He deserves the face to face conversation. What should I do?
-- Hazelnut Queen; Virginia
Yes, this question has been modified for space and clarity, but I wasn't about to touch that salutation. At least I'm still married.
Do you watch The Bachelor? I do. I also want to be Chris Harrison.
If you saw this past season, you know that the bachelor, Ben, faced a similar situation as you. After whittling down his field of potential wives from 28, he fell in love with two -- Lauren B. and JoJo. Complicating matters, he told both that he loved them.
In Bachelor world, this is a cardinal sin. You don't tell anyone you love them until you've given them the final rose, because doing so before that leads the contestant (and the audience) to believe they're winning said final rose.
Yet Ben did it anyway. He couldn't stop his heart from singing. But that meant both girls went into the finale thinking they were about to get engaged.
To his credit, Ben owned his actions. And when it came time to break up with the runner-up, he was as kind and considerate as he was direct. He told JoJo that while he did love her, he loved Lauren B. more. And he did so looking her right in the eyes.
Despite my belief in all things Bachelor, I think you need to do the opposite.
Not in terms of being kind and considerate. Definitely do that. But in terms of ending things face to face with your runner-up.
For clarity's sake (in my mind anyway), I'm going to refer to your boyfriend of four and a half years (the guy you chose) as Lauren B., and your best friend of 10 years (the guy you didn't) as JoJo. It only makes sense considering I'm Mrs. Web.
You're right... JoJo deserves a face-to-face breakup. The two of you have a long history, but even if you didn't, sharing news of this magnitude must generally be done in person. It's the respectful thing to do.
But what JoJo deserves more than anything is to know that you didn't pick him. Time trumps protocol here, and it does so for three reasons: JoJo, Lauren B. and you.
JoJo waited for lord knows how long to proclaim his love for you. He had a glorious few months of having a real shot with you, but now he's been waiting some more to see if you share his same feelings. The man has put in his time, and he's earned the right to learn his fate.
The fact that he's learning it over the phone is going to fall a distant, distant second to the fate itself. Yes, it'll probably be ugly, and yes, his heart will probably be broken. So why not let him start the healing process sooner than later?
Meanwhile, Lauren B. is the winner. He's the lucky one. But he's not going to feel like it if you're still having to maintain a charade with another guy you love. Watch one episode of The Bachelor and it's clear that nobody appreciates someone else saying to the person they love, "Can I steal you for a second?"
Most importantly, waiting a month to do it in person will be the hardest on you. That's a month of guilt, of dread, of knowing what's coming and not being able to do anything about it. That internal indicator that's saying you're lying to JoJo is going off for a reason.
You've just rebooted your relationship with Lauren B., a relationship that recently was devastated enough to have you questioning its viability. But now you've recommitted to it, and you should give it every opportunity to succeed. Fresh starts are as tenuous as they are hard to come by.
I admire your desire and willingness to do the right thing. I really do. If given the chance, most people would take the first exit off on something like this, but you're not backing away. And while that's admirable, in my opinion, it's not what's best for everyone. JoJo needs to know, and he needs to know now.
COMING WEDNESDAY: How Do I Break Up With My Parents?
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