Taming the Beast of Homework

Taming the Beast of Homework
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Any time of year the subject of homework raises anxieties for many parents, children and those interested in public policy around education. Some question whether homework is advisable at all? Does homework instill an unhealthy, over wrought work ethic early on? Or, is homework one of those 'necessary evils,' instilled early, precisely for getting ahead?

The questions abound. If you believe the cycle of seasons holds sway over us, then it must be acknowledged that homework issues in spring may bring its own challenges. With longer days, who can deny the draw of the outdoors, the desire to take advantage of additional natural light, especially pretty at days end? If homework is something of a struggle under your roof, you may want to read on.

This blog was inspired by a recent NY Times Well Blog which suggests eating meals as a family is another example of authoritative parenting that provides structure and warmth so crucial to raising well-adjusted and successful kids, based on the seminal 1970's findings of psychologist Diana Baumrind.

This is on the heels of a touted parenting how-to book written by Julie Lythocott-Haims, a former dean of freshmen at Stanford, disclaiming overprotective parents and over scheduled kids as ruining a generation of young adults, unable to take care of themselves.

The good news is less may be more. Getting out of your own way and stopping harm to your children may be achieved by doing more with less. Here's a primer on a guided meditation you can use as a coping strategy in the moment:

Bring into awareness your own discomfort. Send this knowledge of devastation good medicine. Send nourishing breath to your distress. Honor your impulse to over serve. It comes from a positive place. Tell yourself it is okay to withdraw with presence as you breathe. Make room for something else to emerge. In your mind's eye, imagine the child's brilliance fills the empty space.

A lighter touch may provide greater results. Withdrawal without abandonment - an appropriate respect for separation and individuation - buds with birth itself. Over doing parenting may impart feelings of inferiority and zap industriousness, just as neglect, the other extreme via under serving can. Quashing a child's hard won emerging sense of self is counterproductive growth you may want to avoid.

What follows are a few of my suggestions for making peace with the beast of homework based on Ms. Lythocott-Haim's 4 recommendations.

Remember the difference between "I" and "we."

Children have a natural, "I can do it myself," attitude. It is a healthy instinct that requires from you an attitude in return of adherence to a course of benign neglect, which is a balance of curiosity without being invasive.

Your child likely has an approach to problem solving. Be patient and watchful. Try to understand what is going on from a close distance rather than swooping in. Children can be pokey and putter. Allow the child to settle into the task at hand while you remain calm and productive. If you can not settle down, chances are your kid will not be able to either.

Be your kids' advocate, not their lawyer.

If your school's homework policy does not sit well with you, join the PTA, get involved or support others whose ideas do. Set a good example for your children that you do not merely complain, because you take action. Be careful what you wish for. When parents bellyache there is too much homework remember young ears are probably listening. You may be imparting resistance in your child without realizing it.

Remember that their work is their work, which means homework and some chores.

You might explain to your child as a pep talk that we all work as passionately as we can to change what we can. Along with enthusiasm, frustration is a natural consequence. At the end of each day we work with what we have and do our best. The irony is, hands-off good- enough parenting takes time to implement.

With two parents working, or single parent homes, it can be a luxury to oversee homework while cooking dinner, cleaning up together afterwards or partially, while the kids finish up homework, interspersed with some play time or a walk, before the evening routine of bath, story time and bed.

I can't find it now, but I did read a few years ago, a study that older children helping younger children with their homework with a caring, not particularly engaged adult keeping an eye on things helped the younger children learn while solidifying the skills of the older children.

Allowing the child to groan and bargain is part of the process, up to a point. We all know the pleasure of a perfect complaint to help one feel safe. A child will whine, and then want to win back your good favor and please you, when you stand your ground with resolve. Being part of the family's team and taking seriously the pleasure and pain in developing the pride of authorship feels good even to the youngest.

Bottom line, let them try things--and fail.

If you don't succeed, try, try again. In the doing is the becoming. These adages survive for a reason. Children develop grit that comes from trial and error, from the inside out. The goal is for the pressure to do better be manageable. We are learning through the heart break of tragedy that the impostor syndrome has been linked to the rise in anxiety disorders and suicide attempts by college students.

The last thing you want is to be that intrusive parent with no limits or boundaries who lives vicariously through the children, projects your own anxieties onto them and is suffocating their progress with your insecurities. Rather you want to lead by example, breed resilience, confidence and competence into your child's experience and training starting early on.

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