It's nearly three in the morning when the phone rings. Outside the world is quiet, serene--at least that's how it appears. But I am not fooled; I know the chaos that's broken the silence. It's over the phone, waiting for me.
"We've got one. Can you be here in thirty minutes?"
I tell her yes and throw on my clothes as fast as I can. It was going to be long night.
The drive is painful, as my mind races through all the things I need to say to help this person, to make one of the most emotionally scarring events in their life somewhat bearable. In truth, sometimes it doesn't matter what you say because sometimes nothing can help. But you try because it's the least they deserve.
I arrive at the hospital, park, and rush through the double doors. The nurse leads me down a hall and to one of those small hospital rooms. She looks to me and says, "You ready?"
I nod. What am I supposed to say? I am about to talk to someone who has just been raped. I didn't think I would ever be ready. She turns on the handle and I follow her in.
Here is where the trajectory of the story changes depending on the person that is in the room. Some want to talk about what happened. Some don't. Some want to hear about the possible options they have for therapy. Some don't. Everyone is different. Everyone has a unique story. And I have the privilege of listening to that story, and (hopefully) helping them make this extremely difficult time a little more bearable.
Surprisingly though, the hardest thing for me--next to trying to grasp the act of rape itself and why someone would do that to another person--isn't talking to the survivor in the room, but rather, it's after, on the drive home, because I know what they'll face: I know they will be invalidated time and time again, by friends, family, the community, and law enforcement. To be clear: no one asks to be raped and no one deserves to be raped; no one goes out at night wanting to be stripped of their freedom, clothing, and innocence. But we can't accept this is possible. We believe in a just world--that good people will receive good things and bad people will receive bad ones. But that isn't how the world works. Great people get cancer. Hard workers get fired from their jobs. And innocent people get sexually assaulted. But when it comes to the last point, instead of blaming the perpetrator, that blame shifts from the perpetrator to the victim, absolving all accountability of the one responsible.
And these myths are deeply ingrained, oh yes they are. Take a report summarized by The Telegraph that stated: "Research has shown young people can develop mistaken beliefs about rape because of distorted information from peers. More than one in five people aged 16 to 20 thought it was acceptable for a boy to expect sex from a girl if he spent a lot of time or money on her, according to one survey. Another found a similar proportion thought it was acceptable, or was unsure if it was acceptable or not, for a boy to expect from a girl if he thinks she has had sex with others." And BBC reported that regarding a survey on the responsibility of a rape victim:"One-third blamed victims who had dressed provocatively or gone back to the attacker's house for a drink."
Want an example? Erin Andrews received 55 million dollar in a settlement against a stalker who took nude photos and videos of her in a hotel room. In response, many individuals stated on social media outlets that if they could get 55 million dollars for taking their clothes off, they would. Worse, the defense team argued that this incident was used to advance Erin Andrews career, because, of course, we see thousands of female journalists trying to advance their career by getting naked photos and videos taken by a stalker. People online and within the courtroom hadn't even considered the emotional and psychological repercussions of having your physical and mental privacy repeatedly violated and how that would emotionally scar her for life. If that wasn't bad enough, ESPN coerced Andrews to do a television interview to talk about the crime, despite her not being ready or wanting to talk about it.
Or take Baylor University, for example, who failed to investigate and properly support several women who were sexually assaulted on and off campus. ESPN stated: "Yet an investigation by Outside the Lines found several examples in Tanya's case, and others at Baylor, in which school officials either failed to investigate, or adequately investigate, allegations of sexual violence. In many cases, officials did not provide support to those who reported assaults. Moreover, it took Baylor more than three years to comply with a federal directive: In April 2011, the U.S. Department of Education sent a letter to all colleges and universities outlining their responsibilities under Title IX, including the need for each school to have a Title IX coordinator. Baylor didn't hire a full-time coordinator until fall 2014."
To be clear, again: no one asks or deserves to be raped, and oftentimes, as a mental health clinician, one of the major barriers to a survivor healing from the sexual assault is their belief that they are partly or fully responsible for being raped; breaking down that belief is like trying to chip away at a stone wall with a stick; it takes time, patience, and--on the client's part--a mountain of emotional pain. But we are not slaves to these myths. We change it--through education programs, advocacy work, and by being a supporter of a survivor.
Right now, every 107 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted, and 98% of rapists will never spend a day in jail. One out of every six American adult women has survived an attempt or completed rape in her lifetime, and roughly one out of thirty three American adult men have survived an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. It is up to us to stop that from happening. It is up to us to treat the survivors of rape and sexual assault like those who have survived other traumatic experiences: with trust, compassion, and unconditional support. If not, the injustice is nearly as destructive as the act itself.
Matthew Moffitt is receiving his doctorate in clinical psychology at the University of South Dakota. He spent three years as a rape crisis responder. In his spare time he is a novelist, freelance writer, and social justice advocate. You can see most of his work on the comedy website cracked.com or on the Huffington Post. His first novel, MOON TO JOSHUA, comes out for EDGE science fiction and fantasy in the coming months. Follow him on twitter for more information: @miso_matthew.