So the Ol' Wildcatter pulled out the Little Smart Pill Machine again to give you a preview of next week's Likely Party Primary Losers. The following is strictly for amusement; please, no wagering.
Last week the Little Smart Pill Machine got beat up good by the Michigan Democratic primary, like a reporter in a Trump rally. The Ol' Wildcatter was 10-4 counting the 20th Century's loss in Mississippi, though it called the breakdown of Joe Scarborough's sanity in Michigan. In addition to getting burned by the Wayne County MeekChickens, the Little Smart Pill Machine had problems with Republicans on islands (Puerto Rico, Hawaii) and in the GOP's own personal Idaho. Let's get started, with apologies to Leonard Postoasties!
March 12
District of Columbia Republican convention. The GOP continues to elect delegates from places the GOP isn't willing to make a state, this time meeting in a phone booth at the Loew's Madison Hotel. No word on how Joe Kubert would vote.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Donald Trump
North Mariana Islands Democratic convention. 1,500 miles from Tokyo, 8,000 miles from Washington. We have no idea.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Convention): Takeshi Takashina
Guam Republican convention. 1,500 miles from Tokyo, 8,000 miles from Washington. We have no idea.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Convention): Clint Eastwood and his chair
Wyoming Republican Convention: The Holidome was probably booked, so Republicans are meeting at the other hotel in Casper. A dozen delegates at stake, and given past experience, we're betting on Cruz.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Convention): Donald Trump
March 15
North Mariana Islands Republican caucus: Given our track record calling Republican contests on islands conquered by America, we're going with Kasich.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican caucus): Marco Rubio
Florida primaries: Little Marco and the Vondels will take on the Duke of Mar-a-Lago in an epic Florida throw down for all the marbles. Polls show Marco rising, but participation trophies are not enough in Florida's winner-take-all battle for ninety-nine delegates. Meanwhile, the DNC's retirement community primary comes home as an old Jewish man argues with an old lawyer from Chicago about stuff. Jerry Seinfeld should cover this election.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Primary): Bernie Sanders
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Marco Rubio
Illinois primaries: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! There's a Democratic primary in Cook County, and every vote counts. Twice. In other news, Trump cut and ran in the face of, you know, people.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Primary): Bernie Sanders
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Donald Trump
North Carolina primaries: Quietly forgotten in American politics since the death of Jesse Helms, North Carolina plays on its biggest nominating stage since 1976. Hillary has this one in the bag, while Ted Cruz makes his most formidable effort to show he can beat Donald Trump in a large state where Cruz hasn't lived since age five.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Primary): Bernie Sanders
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Ted Cruz
Ohio primaries: O why o why o why o, did I ever leave Ohio? John Kasich better win here. Big. Like, Woody Hayes punching Charlie Bauman. On the Democratic side, can Bernie do in Cleveland and Toledo what he did in Detroit?
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Democratic Primary): Bernie Sanders (in a close one)
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Donald Trump
March 19
Virgin Islands Republican caucus: More islands. We're going with Trump, because. C'mon. So many jokes, so little time. And you don't need an H1B visa to bring in models from US territories.
WILDCATTERS' LOSER (Republican Primary): Ted Cruz
Holding Tank: Arizona Primaries, the Idaho Democrat will caucus, Alaska Democrats, Hawaii Democrats, Washington state Democrats, Kentucky's seeding in the NCAA, Morning Joe calling us up for regular forecasts since we're SEC too.
Get me out of here Percy!