When a female presidential candidate suffers renal failure on the road, who steps up to donate one of his own kidneys other than her male rival for the job.
In an amazing coincidence, Senator Bernie Sanders (D-Finland) turned out to be a perfect match when one of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's kidneys gave out after a lifetime of sipping champagne while taking huge checks from Wall Street firms. The latest gift of $2 million from Goldman Sachs sent Mrs. Clinton over the edge.
"It was horrible," said husband and former President Bill Clinton. "Hill collapsed and I rushed to her side immediately after depositing the check. Did you know the ATMs at casinos give money but you can't make a deposit? I had to drive three miles to find a 7-Eleven with an ATM before I could deposit the check, buy Lotto tickets and go help my wife."
"There are over 10,000 politicians in America waiting for donor kidneys," according to Oscar Fuentes, director of planned giving at The Kidney Society. "Most will be voted out of office before they receive a transplant, thus failing to receive their maximum level of corporate campaign contributions. Or they would have, until Citizens United got rid of all those pesky limits."
When Mrs. Clinton collapsed on stage at a rally in Las Vegas, the call went out for donors. Husband Bill turned out not to be a match. Scores of campaign workers were tested but none of them were a match, either.
But when it became known that Hillary was blood type AB negative, like less than 1 percent of the population, Sanders stepped up. In an amazing coincidence he, too, was AB negative, his kidney was a match, and he, too, was in Las Vegas.
"I knew I had to act," said the veteran Senator. "I couldn't just sit on the back bench, give speeches and fester."
For Mrs. Clinton, though, it was a tough decision. "I've seen those horror movies, like when you get a hand transplant from a killer, and then your new hand makes you kill, and I didn't know if having Bernie's kidney would make me want to dance the kazachka."
Mrs. Clinton took the leap of faith and accepted Sanders' kidney in order to keep herself and her campaign alive.
The two candidates went into surgery together on adjacent gurneys. "Bernie wouldn't shut up about income equality," said worried husband Bill Clinton. "Finally I slipped a C-note to the anesthesiologist and Bernie was out like a light."
The transplant was a success. "It wasn't my kidney that I donated," said the socialist Sanders, "It was everybody's kidney."
"Thanks to Obamacare, neither patient will receive a bill from the hospital, the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, or the candy-striper who serviced Bill," said Fuentes of The Kidney Fund. "Now both candidates can go back to savaging each other."
Mrs. Clinton left the hospital with a promise. "Bernie Sanders saved my life, and in return I''m going to put him into retirement."