Why Becoming the Mother I Never Wanted to Be Has Given Me Joy

I thought children would bring a purpose that pulled me towards them and away from a life of work. Instead, my daughter gave me the courage to continue when I had a setback, to discover what I truly love, to find joy in helping others, to realize fulfillment in learning, and to faithfully LIVE.
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While running out the door one recent morning I heard the sweet voice of my 5 year old asking, "Mommy, one more hug?" She was following behind me with her arms reaching out and her favorite stuffed animal in tow. I happily gave one more hug, jumped into my car, and then discovered the battery was dead.

A light was left on in the backseat all weekend by the beautiful 5 year old gazing at me and waving through the window.

I ran inside for another kiss and hug, switched cars, and left for work.

Many other mishaps happened that day, including a flat tire in our brand new car while my husband was on his way to pick up the kids from daycare. But, it remained a good day because this is the beautiful life I have unpredictably created.

Like many women I know, my priorities changed when I had a child. I was unexpectedly thrown into motherhood, but that is only apropos for my life. I often run around crazily planning for the future and then surprisingly discover the most beautiful parts of my life.

My husband, my career, and my beautiful children. Many of these came as a surprise to me. And our first child was no different.

We discovered I was pregnant just a few short months after marriage. The plan had been to build a career, create a beautiful life, have children, and then be with those children as much as possible by potentially placing a career aside. Instead, our beautiful baby girl came a little over a year after we said our vows.

She immediately took our breath away.

This beautiful, small human being that now depended on me for her every need immediately made me question the importance of continuing to build a career. Every smile, giggle, and small step was the most beautiful thing to me now.

I did not want to miss a moment. When she was away, it felt as a needed, basic piece of me was gone.

I stayed at home with our daughter much of the first year. Yet as the months flew by I felt lonely. Not lonely in needing friends, but lonely in that I felt as if I were ignoring an innate part of me.

I thought being at home with her was exactly what I desired, so I ignored the urge to pursue a career that had been calling me since I was a young girl.

When I realized I could no longer ignore my feelings, I became a nurse. I thought it was the perfect compromise for a life of wanting to be home with my children, and the desire to be a career woman.

I thought, this is it, this is perfect.

But as time passed I again realized this was not adequately fulfilling my wants for my life. As things get easier and I become an expert at managing schedules and mastering time at home, the desire reemerges.

When I realized I would return to school to become a nurse practitioner, I learned something about myself. Friends told me it is a curse of never feeling fulfilled.

But, I discovered that is a lie.

I am meant to be different than the plans I had initially created for my motherhood. In my life, it is not a curse. It is a blessing. A blessing of drive, ambition, courage, and the prowess to seize your dreams and never let go.

It, like most of the beautiful things in my life, came as a surprise. For most of my late teens and early twenties, I bounced around aimlessly from plan to plan without ever reaching an actual destination.

I thought children would bring a purpose that pulled me towards them and away from a life of work. Instead, my daughter gave me the courage to continue when I had a setback, to discover what I truly love, to find joy in helping others, to realize fulfillment in learning, and to faithfully LIVE.

You see, whatever she chooses for herself in life, I want her to choose happiness. To find joy and fulfillment in what she does. To have a drive and ambition for her passion, whatever it is.

How can she see the absolute magnitude of this if I do not discover this for myself?

If I dream about all I hope to accomplish in my life, and then ignore these dreams, how can I tell her to pursue her own? It is often admired when we forget the desires of our own hearts in order to focus on cultivating the hearts and minds of our children.

But, we all become courageous as mothers regardless of our chosen paths. Motherhood has given me the courage and focus to run towards, not away from my dreams.

I want to tell my mother that I finally get it. All those nights she was away working she was building her dreams, her legacy, and her mark on this world.

Now, I am often working and studying. I have become the mother who may have to miss dinner and bedtime, who has to run out the door in the morning, who steals one more hug before work, and who waves at her babies as she leaves the driveway.

Time spent with my children may not occur in abundance, but it is abundantly valuable to me.

I do not feel sadness. I feel joy. I may miss my children when I am gone, but they give me the courage to chase my dreams and develop my mark on the world.

I have become the mother I never thought I wanted to be. Yet, the fulfillment I feel is like no other.

I now realize, I love the mother I am as it has surprisingly become a beautiful part of my life.

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Erin is a registered nurse, nurse practitioner student, and mother of two small children. After discovering a love for her career while being a mom, she decided to help other working moms discover passion in life again. She blogs to empower and encourage working mothers to pursue happiness in juggling motherhood, a career, and business while maximizing family time. Follow her on Facebook, on her blog, or Twitter.

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