When was the last time you were upset, hurt, or disappointed by the words or actions of others? Was that negative response you had because of your relationship with that other person? Or, was it because of the position that person held? And, did it really matter?
My parents knew I was a sensitive soul, and so did my siblings. Whether the tragedy that unfolded in a movie, the story line in a novel, or the plight of those who received less consideration than one would have hoped... all of those have, at one time or another, been the cause of a flood of tears from my eyes.
And when it came to real life situations, someone being unkind to my older sister when we were children, or someone teasing my younger brother, the upset moved swiftly from emotional upset to anger. I could literally feel myself shake at the injustice done to this person with whom my love resided.
Then, I became a teacher, and, eventually, had children of my own. I do remember feeling the same outrage that had once been reserved for siblings treated unkindly, and that anger would flood through my body. An undeserved slight, an unkind comment... if it involved my children, my indignation on their behalf might know no limits.
But that's also when my emotions, finally, had to stop running amuck. If I was not able to control my emotions and reactions, how could I possibly teach those tools to my children... or the children I taught? I had to learn to have the "conversation"... and my children, as well as other children, knew this. As my son once told his siblings, "Look, she's going to cry. She cries at Kodak commercials showing family moments! You can't let that stop you from having the necessary conversation." And, he was right.
I taught my children, and, obviously, my children taught me, that calm thinking and clear explanations were necessities for important discussions. While this was, and is, easier said than done, especially when the stakes are high, it is still essential.
I learned, and taught, that we all must realize that the only people over whom we have any control are ourselves. And, heaven help us, even then, we sometimes lose the calm and clarity we desire to display. Still, that's when turning to tools of mindfulness have proven to be so very helpful.
- Taking care not to respond with haste, and being sure the messages I wish to convey will be appropriately crafted
- Breathing deeply to calm myself, and asking myself what else might be true
- Examining my real feelings and thoughts, rather than what I think they "should" be
- Pushing away memories of former interactions, or guesses of what the future might bring, so I could stay present in the situation at hand
- Avoiding judgments regarding my thoughts or feelings, and just accepting that they were whatever they were
Maybe I expected more from someone, but that really didn't matter. It was myself with whom I needed to be concerned. And, if I disappointed myself, I needed to admit it, and treat myself with kindness while looking for better responses should situations ever be repeated.
I am not perfect, nor is anyone else. And we don't have to be. We just have to try to do our best.