An ache climbs, I have felt this way before. The constriction grows, I catch a breath. Anxiety must be from all the stressors and overwhelm in my life. How do I make this go away? Feeling a rhythm, the beat unconditionally serves me. Pumping a regulating life force, there is a knowing of what it needs to thrive, the ache grows tighter and louder. In an act of avoidance, I numb with sleeping aides, one more needless shirt, another night out. Chronic pain from avoidance, has become my way of being. An awareness arises, how can it be that the very thing I damn, is the very force of life? My Heart has become taboo.
Sadness lurks, wanting to consume me. I move around, quite, careful not to fully wake it. I feel the welting up of emotions in my chest, it rises to my throat craving emotional intimacy. Stripped naked, molded into something I once was, I allowed myself to be pushed into a box full of prenups and conditions. Refusing to look myself in the mirror, conditions of a never enough programming ignite But, I wish it were that simple. This isn't about my body, it's a discovery of a convicted Heart as taboo. A Heart, trusted to bring life to my body, surely is equipped in bringing Soul to my life. I recognize the symptoms of a closed heart, taught to feel the pulse of my heart medically, with signs of a heart attack outlined as a precursor to aging. At the mere age of 22, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. With a crossroads in my life, this was my mealticket out. I thought I was going to find my happy in that little white pill. The truth is, I was lost, and could not see my way, I could not accept myself. I remember the relief experienced thinking I was able to hand it all over to Zoloft, because it certainly knew how to make my life more tolerable. In an attempt to mend, I was masking myself, I felt numb to my intention of life knocking at me. Painfully aware as to how willing I was to hand myself over, in my darkest of moments, I wanted to disappear. I did not understand how to intimately live with my Heart. How to trust, love, nurture, adore, open into myself. I did not know how to breathe life, I was a fighter. Fighting to shield away any identification to sensitivity, because the Heart was taboo. How aligned are we with our intention of wanting to feel good, in opening to the goodness of life. Our Hearts are not meant to be contenders in the arena of ego dominance, they are untapped Gems eager to serve vulnerability.
In vulnerability, the dance is with the authentic self, building trust, acknowledging integrity. In vulnerability there are no masks, just you and your gift of Heart. Putting vulnerability into practice, I feel the heat rising, I have tapped into my taboo Heart. Taking a deep breath, I disclose to him that I am falling in love. In that moment, I took my mask off in vulnerabilities presence, I found my characters of Self. The judger, damning my very existence as not enough, dancing with a little girl full of life, innocence and play. The judgers voice loud, suffocating, lacing my experience with a never enough paradigm, that I'm too hard to love, that it's too soon for this disclosure. Dancing in my shadows with the part of me that is light, the part that is forever innocent, playful and life, I am present with the judger. Revealing my masked Self, I found my pursuit of happiness, I found my power. Swords laid to rest, games at bay, the raw beauty of my wounds glisten. In that moment, I dared to live wholeheartedly, no excuses, fully emotionally available in my Heart. Vulnerability is moving in accordance with Grace. It's daring to see yourself, to accept, forgive, and extend gratitude to those very parts tucked away that are deemed unlovable. A vulnerable Heart is a responsible heart, dancing to the rhythm of your delicate drums, trusting the lean into yourself. Trusting that emotions have a place, in raising modern, I released attachment to a desired response, because what I discovered was far more precious then a reciprocation of endearment. I found Love for myself, in honoring a truth I discovered a warrior. Beautiful, compassionate, honest and endearing, a vulnerable Heart is a warrior, a powerful light daring to shine in the dark.
Warrior Hearts, enduring, mending, growing, adapting, providing, supporting, loving, all unconditionally. Committing to honoring wounds from battles once fought, resistant to the shields of others, persistent in a pursuit of happiness. Breaking taboo confirms a knowing that you are enough, its a result not found on medical test, it's inconclusive. No more masks, no more hiding, a warrior Heart is taboo, vulnerable in it's own right, waiting for you to dance with you.
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If you -- or someone you know -- need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.