Have you ever really taken the time to listen to what your kids are saying? I find that the funniest part of my day usually comes from conversations I have with my kids. There is something pure and joyful from these interactions. Especially when my kids are discussing toilet humor and private parts. Take a look at some recent conversations between myself and my kids. I also threw in a few conversation between my husband and I. He seems to think he is as funny as our children.
Bathroom Out Of Order
(Conversation with 5 year old)
5-year-old: Mom, I gotta go and she is pooping.
Me: You need to wait.
5-year-old: Can I sit on the seat behind her and poop.
Me: No, one person on the toilet at a time.
5-year-old: Can I poop in the hole in the floor in the other bathroom.
Me: (yelling at 6-year-old; Hurry up and finish!!!!)
~I never thought I would have to tell my kid that he couldn't poop in the hole in the floor.
I Need Apples
(Conversation in car)
6-year-old: Mom I need you to get me apple something for school tomorrow.
Me: Apple what?
6-year-old: Anything but apple sauce. Like cider or something.
9-year-old: Bring in some Angry Orchard. You have a ton of that in the fridge Mom.
Me: Ummm. No, Apple cider it is.
College and Babies
(In car on the way home from soccer)
6-year-old: Mom, can a lady have a baby in college? Like before she's married?
Me:
6-year-old: Mom, can she?
9-year-old: Of course not. The college wouldn't permit that.
6-year-old: How would YOU know?
9-year-old: Because where would the baby stay all day? In the dorm? No, they wouldn't allow it.
6-year-old: The lady can take the baby to class with her.
9-year-old: Seriously, take a baby to a calculus class. I don't think so.
~I didn't say a single word.
Did you forget something?
(Daily morning conversation with my husband)
Me: Someone will forget their shoes, backpack, homework, lunch every day. Why? Why must they drive me bat shit crazy?
Husband: They have learned from example.
Me:
Husband:
Me: See you after work.
Husband: You forgot your keys.
Chip off the emotionally stunted block.
(Conversation In the car)
6-year-old: Mom, when will Uncle Eric be home?
Me: He flew in last night. Why, did you miss him?
6-year-old: Will we see him today?
Me: I don't know. Why, did you miss him?
6-year-old: Is this the way to school?
Me: Yes. Did you miss him?
6-year-old: Yes.
Me: Why wouldn't you just say you missed him?
6-year old: Why do we have to talk about this.
~ My girl.
Talk Amongest Yourselves
(Conversation between siblings)
4-year-old: If I were a puppy, I would lick my balls all day long.
6-year-old: Mom heard you.
4-year-old: (Turns around to look at me.)
Me:
4yr old: I'm just sayin.
The Tattoo
(Conversation with 4-year-old)
4-year-old: Mom please put on my tattoo. I got it for treasure box at school.
Me: Where do you want it?
4-year-old: On my back.
Me: Ok, where.
4-year-old: (points to the small of his back)
6-year-old: Mom, he wants it where you have your tattoo.
Me: Awesome
~My 4-year-old wants a tramp stamp.
Getting dressed
(Conversation with 4-year-old)
Me: Buddy, you need to take off your pajamas before you put on your sneakers.
4-year-old: But I'm so tired.
Me: Do you need help getting dressed?
4-year-old: This is the worst day of my life.
Me: No buddy, that happens when you're an adult.
4-year-old: Do I have to wear underwear?
Me: Yes, the teachers requested that you do.
4-year-old: See, this is the worst day of my life.
Me: How about Star Wars cereal?
4-year-old: This is the best day EVER!!!
*See people, it's all about perspective.
The Sweater
(Conversation at school drop off)
Me: Where did you get that shirt?
6-year-old: The dirty laundry pile.
Me: That means it's dirty. Is that why you are wearing the sweater?
6-year-old: Yes. I don't like the other shirts.
Me: So you decided to wear a dirty shirt to school instead of one of the 27 clean ones in your closet?
6-year-old: I guess you should have done the laundry.
~She was really lucky we were already at school.
Rough Monday.
(Conversation in minivan.)
Kid: Where are we going?
Me: To pick up your Brother.
Kid: No we're not.
Me: Yes we are.
Kid: No we're not.
Me: Yes we are. Stop saying that.
Kid: You drove past the school five minutes ago.
Me: Oh Sh#t!
Listen to your kids. They will probably say something pretty funny today.