Earlier this summer, I had the great pleasure of doing something that was somewhat difficult for me. I stood in front of the camera and take after take, tried to share the love of something with the lens.
It was difficult for 2 reasons: 1. I have never done this before (outside of the camera in my own space with me as director) and 2. It was all en Español.
I can speak Spanish with the best of them. Don't get it twisted. But, I don't do it often. And I can say that I hadn't spoken that much Spanish since before Mami passed away.
And I loved every minute of it. The Frog Princess doesn't speak it like I did as a child and I'm not entirely sure what to do or make of it though her teachers tell me to just keep talking to her. She understands me just fine and when she doesn't, she makes sure she asks me the translation and I can see her making a mental note. Pero no me suelta la lengua, as they say.
Truth be told, I don't know if I ever really spoke Spanish with my siblings once they got to the age of 5 and got introduced to the English language thanks to Saturday morning cartoons.
I, myself, didn't learn English until...I'm not entirely sure. I know I didn't know any English when I started school. So I guess it probably took me a while to figure this language out.
It's difficult because I learned to express myself in English. Does that make sense? The essays, the book reports, the books. They all had to be done in English. And so I think I'm split, in a way. My idioma, forever cemented as my first language, the language I speak to with my parents, the one that came in handy at La Feria del Libro Internacional in Guadalajara.
And the other part of me? Well, that's the sassy girl that speaks her mind, thinks her poetry and writes her words. In English, most times.
But this time, I had to bring all of that together. Maan! It was not easy. But it was worth each and every moment. My daughter was with me the entire time and I made it a point to talk to her about how hard it was for me to be in this space. I want her to know that sometimes, in difficult spaces, beauty can bloom.
And what bloomed for me during those few days where the Mouse hosted me in his world of magic was a renewed love of mi idioma and a commitment to find someone (anyone!) to talk to in Spanish.
So, if you see me on the street, don't get startled when I ask you, ¿que pasa, como estas, que me cuentas? It's just me, trying to engage in a language that I love with the people in my midst.
What primary language do you speak and how often do you speak your second?