Pundits Boldly Predict the 2084 Election

Nov 05, 2010 | Updated May 25, 2011

As the effects of the 2010 mid-term elections are still being analyzed, political pundits are already declaring the winner of the United States' 2084 Presidential race. "The clear choice of the American people in 2084 will be Shamus Juarez-Seshadrinathan," says Fox future analyst Randall Nadgee. The as-yet unborn Juarez-Seshadrinathan would be our country's first Irish-Latino-Hindu President, following Myron Chernov-Bakahasab, the as-yet unborn Jewish-Russian-Iraqi President, who will be elected in 2080 and defeated by Juarez-Seshadrinathan.

"The election of Juarez-Seshadrinathan will be a stinging rebuke to President Chernov-Bakahasab and the agenda of the Whig-Communist Party," says analyst Maria Whitford of CNN's Hey, Look! More Talking Heads Daily. According to Whitford, Juarez-Seshadrinathan and the Tea Party-Progressive Snake Handlers will attract millions of undecided independent post-apocalyptic zombie voters in 2084, while the Whig-Communists will be unable to completely distance themselves from the anarchic-Tory-ethnic Chernov-Bakahasab agenda.

"Chernov-Bakahasab's defeat will be aided by a massive grassroots effort from The New Dadas, aka Purple Monkey Dishwasher, to repeal the national health care system that will be instituted under President Skjöldebrand in 2072," says Whitford. "Health care, of course, had been/will be previously repealed under President Arihyoshi in 2060 after being reinstated by President Mavrokordatos in 2056 and repealed by President Mbazia in 2052."

Other prognosticators foresee a different outcome. "By 2084, the American people will be tired of all the partisan bickering," says Samuel Bunnold of The Golf Channel's Putting 'n' Politics. "The only alternative will be Avadrone One, the genetically mutated Twelfth Party candidate who combines the best reconstituted cells of Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Puerto Rican Socialists, and the Methaqualone Coalition." Randall Nadgee disagrees, noting, "Avadrone One will lose the party nomination following the New Hampshire primary, after a bionic implant malfunctions when he tries to kiss a baby and accidentally eats its head."

Pundits do agree that the 2084 campaign will be one of the most vicious in future memory, with Tea Party-Progressive Snake Handlers using the slogan "Fuck Bipartisanship, You Motherfuckers" against their opponents. "This will be rivaled only by the 2048 campaign of Bristol Palin in terms of negative ads," says Norman Ogletap of Nickelodeon's Cap'n Spanky's Political Chillaxe. "Of course, Palin's election will result in open executions on the Senate floor, which will be wildly applauded by the American people."

And what of Hillary Clinton, the 137-year old soon-to-be former Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, Vice-President, U.N. Secretary-General, Commissioner of Baseball, Trilateral Commission Chairwoman, and President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, who will be defeated in the 2084 primaries by Juarez-Seshadrinathan? Will she make a 20th run at the U.S. Presidency in 2088? "Impossible to tell," says Ogletap. "I simply can't predict that far ahead."