Where's Emily Post's post, post Emily Post? Who is going to write the next Etiquette Do Tell in the season of Don't Ask, Don't Tell??? Here's my idea of a good time: the one, the only and the oh so au courant, America's Reigning Teen Choice Awardee in the category Fab U Lous, Miss. J. At home in my kitchen on a recent languid lalaland après-midi these important questions and several others were hovering in the steamy air over the tea kettle. Unbeknownst to myself and his Fabulousness, Miss. J., looming large at 6'4", an op in pop cultural cultivation and civility began to manifest . . .
"So," I asked, "how do you look so good?" - expecting a few inciteful (ok - I know what the word is - but in the world of Fabulous, things are always beyond what they seem) fashion tips but noooo. Miss. J. declared sparing less than a nanosecond to respond, "Lots of Masturbation and Sugar!!!!" Well that is obviously working so I jumped directly to Manners! "YES, MAY I, THANK YOU, PLEASE!", pronounced Miss. J. "Bad manners are like parsley - they're everywhere (garni du jour!!!). Manners can't be bought but they can be taught."
"The people who have to be right all of the time: admit you made a mistake. Apologize!" Don't miss an opportunity to learn. And no stealing Thunder either. And here's a however: "It's ok to burn bridges, especially when you travel by plane." And again: "When you follow a stupid person home, normally a stupid person will open the door. The whole POD is stupid." Miss J. elaborates, "Don't just listen with your ears. Listen with your eyes. People who show me who they really are - I believe them!!!" Courtesy being of paramount importance to Frank (another large and in charge formerly looming presence in the kitchen and other elsewheres), he often said, "Contrast material makes for the best education." (Possibly his best-embraced advice to our children: "Never be a jerk - unless someone pays you a lot of money.")
More words of more wisdom from Miss. J.'s personal star-gazing Observatory:
"Advice is an easy thing to give but most difficult to accept." "If you ain't ho-in', you ain't able." "Don't have nannies raise your kids!" "Make noise to make a woman comfortable - when you're walking behind a woman in the street." "Men use love to get sex - women use sex to get love." "A woman tells her age will tell anything." "Never come home after being out all night, with your hand out and your panties wet." "Manners will carry you where money cannot." "Successful people don't take holidays." "Buy what you need, not what you want." "You don't need everything all the time. What was important 10 years ago may be so irrelevant now . . . " "How can you tell if a dollar is straight or gay? It's neither, it's green!"
His performance skills in delivering the goods on the golden rule are more than Oscar-worthy. (Oscar could stand a couple of classes in Fabulous from Miss. J.) But not all of us were fortunate enough to work with this advice from our mothers: If you rob a bank, rob it for Ten million, not One thousand. Your Ass is Black. You'll do the same amount of time!!!"
"Hood up!" says Miss. J. "I am a black, gay, cross-dressing man from HU - Hood University." "YES, MAY I, THANK YOU, PLEASE. Oh, and always, ASK FIRST!!!!" Thank YOU, Miss. J.