Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Don't become a parent if you don't want to feel every emotion within the first 5 minutes of waking up.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 4, 2014
To wake my daughter, I usually say, "Time to get up," and she complains and falls back asleep.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) September 4, 2014
Today I yelled, "Centipede!" It worked.
Needed: Craigslist Missed Connections but for when you meet cool moms on the playground.
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) September 5, 2014
"You want me to bathe AND brush my teeth? In the same morning?"
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 3, 2014
~ kids
What is up with kids only asking existential/complex math questions of their parents before coffee happens?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 4, 2014
I took the "What Kind of Parent are you?" Facebook quiz and my results came back "The Kind that Ignores your Kids While you Take Quizzes."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 2, 2014
My 2 year old's least favorite sippy cup is whichever one I already poured his drink into.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 3, 2014
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my kids' screen time until school starts. We never go over 9 or 10 hours a day.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) August 26, 2014
Some days I’m blown away by how much my 4-year-old knows about the world.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2014
Other days I have to explain why she shouldn’t lick random people
I'm truly a mother now because today I mom-armed my empty passenger seat.
— Erin Donovan (@erinmdonovan) September 4, 2014
My kids are having a calm, quiet conversation in the other room. They must be plotting my murder.
— Sarah Wine-Thyre ゚ヌᄎ゚ヌᄌ゚マᄈᄌマ゚フネ (@SarahThyre) August 29, 2014
It finally happened. Took 4 and 2 out to lunch today, saw a couple with a newborn, and thought: That part was easy.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) September 3, 2014
Sometimes when my 3yo hugs me out of nowhere it's amazing and it makes it all worth it. Sometimes he's just wiping his snot on my shirt.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 5, 2014
Ummm, I have TOO finished a book this year. I’ve read Goodnight Moon at least 200 times.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) September 4, 2014
"Don't Call Me a Baby" is the ballad of youngest siblings everywhere.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) September 1, 2014
My toddler truly has no idea how difficult it is to take someone seriously when they're wearing nothing but underwear and sparkly shoes.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) August 31, 2014
Because of all the interruptions, my wife and I have decided to talk when the kids go to college.
— Wrang Wordler (@Thing_Finder) September 6, 2014
"Do you know what's even better than yelling? Whispering."
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) September 6, 2014
- Me, lying to my 3yo
I'm never watching my kids, bc the rules of literature state that the more I ignore them the more delightful their adventures.
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) September 6, 2014
I'm pretty sure the Peanuts character PigPen was inspired by what a toddler looks like after a day at preschool.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 29, 2014
Do not tell a kid you didn't understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) September 1, 2014
My 9yo just threw his quarter in a fountain and wished for money.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) September 7, 2014
I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards.
— Dippy Blonder (@DippyBlonder) September 5, 2014
Now let's see those kids get out of there.
Kids will always remember the time Facebook & eBay were down together as "that one time Mom played with us"
— yo quiero taco (@daykneeaj) September 3, 2014
Me: What do you kids want for dinner?
— Red Hot Momma (@redhotmomma99) September 4, 2014
7: Spaghetti!
5: Hotdogs!
Me (picking up phone): That's great! Pizza it is then.
"Ok, we only have to put them back in their rooms thirty-five more times and it's bedtime."
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 26, 2014
-How Husband and I get ready to relax.
My kids' favorite joke of mine is "It's time to go to bed".
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) September 4, 2014
Keep clicking: See last week's funniest parenting tweets >>
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.