I'm someone who is always looking for signs. Signs to point me in the right direction. Without them, I would miss countless freeway exits and valet parking opportunities. But lately, I have been looking for the kind of signs that aren't plastered everywhere. You know, the ones that aren't as obvious -- but once you see them -- misguided feelings simply disappear as you discover a newfound confidence that you are, indeed, on the right track.
Lord knows I was in need one of those signs (and I say "Lord knows" because I had been praying for one to appear). If you've been keeping up with my blogs, you know I have been trying to get pregnant in a new-fangled sort of way (because good, old-fashioned sex just wasn't working). After years of feeling beat-down because I couldn't get knocked-up, I finally decided to try getting pregnant by using a donor egg. There are a lot of technical ways I can explain it, but basically the plan was to buy some other woman's egg and introduce it to my fiancés sperm. If by chance, the two hit it off and fertilized, then the embryo would be put inside of me. It's a threesome alright (just not the kind my fiancé was hoping for).
Now this seemed like a good plan. I had given it thoughtful consideration, consulted the country's top fertility doctors and researched the best place to purchase my eggs. But let's be honest... it's still weird science. I mean, if you would have asked me 20 years ago if I thought THIS was what I would have to do to just to get pregnant... I would have let out a big ol' belly laugh.
Although I was absolutely certain I wanted to become a mom, there was a part of me that was still wavering a little about having to use a donor egg. This was not what nature intended... but rather, what science had invented. However, I had come so far, spent so much, and quite honestly, had run out of options. So, I decided to keep pushing (a phrase I hope to hear one day soon by my gynecologist).
I logged onto www.MyEggBank.com (my frozen egg bank of choice). I had already paid a $500 deposit which gave me full access to their current database of available lots of eggs (you purchase a half-dozen eggs at a time... and all of them are from the same donor). I began by narrowing down my options by clicking the "Caucasian" box (seemed like a logical place to start). Less than 20 donors were listed. Next, I quickly scanned the list for height. I'm 5'9" and my fiancé is 6'5" (which is why I call him Mr. Big). Height was an important consideration, because if I am going to genetically engineer a kid, it might as well be a supermodel or a professional athlete.
One donor quickly stood out, because she stood 5'10". She was 22 with brown eyes and brown hair (which if I remember correctly, is my natural color). She's part Irish and part German with some Cherokee Indian on her dad's side. Geographically speaking, I'm German. Mr. Big is Irish and part American Indian (which came as a newly discovered fact). Her profile went on to list that she loves dogs, sushi and mashed potatoes (all qualities I find endearing).
But it was the next line that brought tears to my eyes. This young 22-year-old was in her third year of college and she was working to get her bachelor's degree in... wait for it... journalism.
There is was. My sign. She wants to be a journalist just like me. And, quite honestly, there was a part of me that wanted to be just like her. Sometimes I think I would give anything to be 22 again, with a fresh outlook (and fresh eggs).
My heart was racing at the thought that I had just found the "one." So I quickly read on, looking for other connections. When asked about her hobbies... she listed that she loved to volunteer and had participated in a 10 month national service program. Good eggs and a good heart?? I love this girl! Especially when you take into account that I am the founder of a charity called The Good News Foundation (and up until this point in my life, it has been my "baby").
So you will understand why tears started to flow down my cheeks when I read her answer to the very last question. It asked her what was her ultimate life ambition? She said she wanted to start her own non-profit organization focusing on community service.
Signs don't get any bolder and brighter than that.
She was the one. The first and the only egg donor I looked at. There was no need to look at anyone else. My soul had found a sense of certainty that I never thought possible in this whole process. She and I will never meet. That's not the way this is designed to work. I'll never know exactly why she decided to become an egg donor. I am sure the money helped her pay for college... but I suspect her decision may have also had something to do with her desire to be in the service of others. Whatever her reason, her 'gift' has given me the chance to create a life. It's basically the nicest thing a total stranger has ever done for me.