What Would Jesus Do About Climate Change?

Feb 18, 2014 | Updated Apr 20, 2014

The climate is hot right now. I mean talking about climate change. It's in the news is what I mean!! Actually, the climate is hot, too, but that was an accidental pun.

Now that Bill Nye has finished debating folks like creationist czar Ken Ham, and Republican Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn from Tennessee (because really, who knows more about science and the climate than a 70-year-old creationist from Tennessee), it's become ever more clear that the never-ending clash between climate change believers and climate change skeptics continues onward -- like an obesity march toward IHOP on Sunday mornings. My head wanted to explode listening to Mr. Nye having to defend facts. Sunday morning on Meet The Press, when he was debating Rep. Blackburn, I was waiting for Nye to throw his hands up and just say, "Fuck this! I'm out!"

Nobody ever relates climate change with religion, but they are very closely related if you spend the time thinking about it and reading through the biblllee (sorry, I just threw up in my mouth for second).

There are some very elementary beliefs that everyone who is currently breathing knows about. One of those beliefs being that the devil exists. As you can see, I didn't capitalize devil, because it's not a pronoun. If you're a murderer, ruthless dictator, pedophile, or like anal sex, you're destined to live in a place that's really fucking hot with a dude who is just a complete a-hole. And if you believe in a hell (like our Associate Justice Antonin Scalia does), then you believe in demonic possession, and I mean who doesn't, right? And then the next line down, you'll see, is believing you have angels who guard your every moment of life. Even during the most personally carnal moments (I'm talking about wanking it). You can throw Noah and the Great Flood and all that shit in there as well. Every mammal, spider, and butterfly were brought into his Ark and stowed away to wait out a thunderstorm that lasted 40 days and 40 nights (which would really only be 40 days, because aren't the nights sort of implied?). Tigers and gazelles putting aside their animosity for a moment, cheetahs spooning wildebeests. I picture Blind Melon's "No Rain" would have been played on a loop if such technology existed then. Believing in all of this is fine. Really. I believe in Gods, too. Have you heard of Jeff, the God of Biscuits? Or Simon, the God of Hairdos?

My fragile but still vibrant eighty-something-year-old grandmother only knows The Big Bang Theory to be a shitty TV show. "On the fourth day," God saw what he had created and probably said something like, "Damn, I crushed that. I was totally in the zone." Clearly the guy was motivated to do all that in just six days. He didn't get sidetracked by the noise. And yes, I believe there were haters back then. You can't tell me one guy created everything in less than a week and the other dudes weren't, like, "Enough with making mountains and shit. Where'd you grow up?" Out of that anger, God gave the world the Old Testament, where he forever punishes the haters.

In the Bible, Jesus routinely spoke about not wasting Earth's resources, to protect and love the soil from which life is born. Jeremiah 2:7 states (obviously, I had to look this up), "I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and produce, but you came and defiled my land and made it detestable." Pretty indisputable if you ask me. You "defiled my land." I only know that word from porno's. There's no evidence of this, but had Jesus lived today, I would think he'd be on a board of trustees for the environment. Maybe, Sierra Yahweh Club or NRBC.

There are many, many Catholics and Christians who believe in climate change. They do exist. I've seen them walking within the population. They're a looser brand, of course. They aren't your Bible in the nightstand (or under the gun) Christians. They're passive. The, "Well, I kind of believe in him, but who really knows, right? Hey, pass me a beer, I want to shotgun it." They would like to believe that when it all ends we aren't just trapped in a wooden box in a dirt hole with our eyes being eaten by millipedes and silk worms. They've been to church maybe five times in their lives. Once for communion, once for marriage, and three times for a funeral. The kind I understand. They're not voting members of the Flat Earth Society, which is a real thing.

Ten years ago, a Newsweek poll found that 55 percent of Americans believed in the rapture. MORE. THAN. HALF. Thankfully, that nonsense is trending downward because in 2010, a Pew poll found just 41 percent believed the same crap, a drop of 14 percent. Contrarily, believers in climate change rose by a similar percentage.

The Nicholas Institute at Duke University polled 2,000 random Americans from both party affiliations in February of 2013. Of the 2,000 polled, 70 percent of Democrats were "Fully convinced in climate change," to only 27 percent of Republicans. And nearly 92 percent of Republicans say that they have never doubted the existence of God, compared to 68 percent of Democrats. It's noteworthy to mention that of those 68 percent of Democrats, half only enlisted the help of God when their stash of weed was lost.

If you think the rapture will happen in our lifetime, then you probably don't believe humans evolved from apes (because that shit's just a conspiracy). No way in hell do you believe in last year's anthropological discovery of a 1.8 million year old hominid skull. You do, however, believe dinosaurs ate berries out of Adam's hand. Did you know that a Triceratops once bit off Adam's finger? Pissed off, Adam poisoned the berries with anthrax, and slowly, one by one, the dinosaurs died off. It's what led to the mass extinction. It's in the bible. Google it. Dinosaurs also had back problems, though. Slipped discs were common in the Jurassic Period from all that, whatever, lifting of their massive heads. Probably another reason they died off.

The reason this country hasn't adopted a serious climate policy, more importantly, will probably never act on one, is because of America's belief that at some point in our lifetime, Jesus will come back to earth and save the true believers when the end of the world commences. Or when the end -- begins, in other words. I mean, Earth is only 6,000 years old, not the 4.6 BILLION that scientists seem to think. These radical religious beliefs of millions of Americans make their way into local, then state, and finally into federal government, ultimately shaping government policy. People vote for politicians who share similar opinions. It's intrinsic. Probably goes back to the caveman. By the way, atheism grew from 2007 and 2012, according to a Pew research poll. Still a paltry 2.4 percent of the population, but we grew 33 percent in just five years (up from 1.6 percent).

For those who want it or expect it, you can have your rapture. Really, take it. Have fun with it. RUN WITH IT. Because we might be dealing with an actual rapture in a few decades -- one with category 9 hurricanes, dried up lakes (Oh shit, that's already happening -- see California), acidic oceans where fish grow bushy eyebrows like Bogdan from Breaking Bad (kind of already happening). Not to mention ruined ecosystems and droughts that make the desert in Lawrence of Arabia look like a sandbox.

Although I haven't met the man, I'd like to think that Jesus would finger-wag the EPA superfund sites, stink-eye the Deep Water Horizon spill, and email blast congressmen over natural gas fracking. What would Jesus' email signature be by the way? Sent from my All Seeing iPhone?

You know the rawhide bracelet you wear with the initials, WWJD, the one you got at Epcot? Ya, you should probably look down at it once in a while in between pancake three and four.