The 9.5 Don'ts of Being Dumped

Jan 15, 2014 | Updated Mar 17, 2014

A break-up is a lot like a Rebecca Black song. Painful, traumatic and entirely devoid of reason.

It's totally normal to cry enough to fill Niagra Falls or want to burn down the entire universe.

But before you go all U.S. Postal worker, here are 9.5 handy tips that all recently dumped girls should keep in mind.

Elliott Capner, Misha Zelinsky and Matt Knapp are the authors of the new book He's an Asshole Anyway - A What Not to Do Guide for Recently Dumped Girls, Written by the Assholes Who Do It.

  • 1. Don’t go all Miley Cyrus.
    Don’t dramatically overhaul your life in the aftermath of a breakup. No amount of stupid haircuts, feet tattoos or sledgehammer licks is going to fix things – eventually you are going to have to simply deal with the pain of a failed relationship. Whatever you do, don’t trash your life – especially for someone who eventually will only be a memory/wrecking ball.
  • 2. Don’t be unprofessional.
    Work is a place for work, updating Facebook and stealing stationary. Don’t jeopardize your career by running off to the toilet to sob in a bathroom stall all day. It’s unprofessional and is also entirely selfish, as other people might want to use that bathroom stall to avoid the boss, read gossip magazines or have sex.
  • 3. Don’t be his sexual ration pack.
    Being single sucks. Being a single guy sucks even more than The Vampire Diaries. In the movies being single is a time spent hanging in bars and picking up models. In reality it’s 3am video games, eating cereal out of a box and waiting for ugly girls to text you back. By sleeping with your Ex you’re acting like a "ration pack" as he navigates the sexual desert that is a single man’s world – thereby giving him the confidence to go out there and sleep with other women.
  • 4. Don’t live out your break up on social media.
    Remember, Facebook isn’t your psychiatrist, Twitter isn’t your life coach and Pinterest isn’t your punching bag. Most importantly, social media platforms are not your diary. You want to tell someone who cares – call a friend. Or Batman.
  • 5. Don’t stalk him.
    Stalking is not only totally creepy – it’s also a massive waste of time. Guys really aren’t that interesting. You are unlikely to see him do anything, other than watch football, drink beer and scratch himself. Anyway, it’s much better to just randomly turn up at his place.
  • 6. Don’t randomly turn up at his place.
    Even if you do find an unopened beer can in your fridge there is no need to just “drop it off” at his place while wearing that sexy backless dress that he always liked. If you want to make a point, it’s much better to just confront him in public.
  • 7. Don’t confront your Ex in public.
    There is little to be gained from a confrontation with your Ex in public. It is cringe worthy behavior. Seriously, if people wanted to see some lunatic screaming pointlessly in public, they would just go to a Nicki Minaj concert. In any event, if you confront your Ex in public you will most likely throw a drink in his face.
  • 8. Don’t throw a drink in his face.
    Firstly, it’s a waste of a drink. Believe it or not ladies alcohol is not free. It’s also not 1950 anymore. People just don’t care if you a throw a drink in someone’s face. Anyway, you are much better off destroying all his stuff.
  • 9. Don’t destroy his stuff.
    Whatever you do, don’t go scratch up his new car or break into his house and destroy his One Direction posters. Firstly it’s against the law. It’s also cruel – signed 1D posters are totally hard to come by for us fan-girls. Anyway, it’s nowhere near as effective as murdering him and his entire family.
  • 9.5 Don’t murder him and his entire family.
    Seriously, don’t murder him and his entire family. If you do, you will probably never get your stuff back from his house.