Everybody loves to hate foodies. They're pretentious, snobby and annoying. We've seen enough #FoodPorn Instagrams and we've heard enough about the amazing "hole-in-the-wall" restaurant you "discovered." We care not what chefs you claim to be besties with, and really don't care if we're pronouncing "orecchiette" wrong.
Maybe this year food-obsessors should take some time to self-reflect and consider why everybody is so fed up with them. There's hope, we think. Here are some resolutions that foodies everywhere should try this year:
I won't Instagram every single thing I eat.
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Because nobody cares.
I won't pretend to understand all of Rene Redzepi's cookbook, "A Work in Progress."
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Because no one could ever recreate "An Apple Falls Into Grass," even if they think they could.
I won't ask the waiter a thousand questions I already know the answer to, and grill him on his responses, whatever they may be.
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Because nobody likes a show off, and you never want to piss off the person serving you food.
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I won't automatically praise something because it's "street food."
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Because there is such a thing as bad street food.
I won't forage.
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Because that's what squirrels do, and just because you can eat the weeds in the park doesn't mean you should.
I won't brew my own beer.
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It doesn't taste good anyway.
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Or my own kombucha.
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'Cuz it's just nasty.
I won't claim things are "authentic" when I really have no idea.
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Who do I think I am? And who do I think I'm kidding?
I won't invite my friends over and offer them homemade soda when all they really want is ALCOHOL.
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Because that's just rude.
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I won't think my food blog is special.
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It isn't.
I won't name drop April Bloomfield as if she's my best friend.
She isn't.
I won't judge my friends for not ordering the bone marrow.
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Not everyone has to like it.
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I won't make my friends wait for hours to eat brunch somewhere trendy.
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Because it's not a matter of want, but need, and they NEED an egg sandwich and Bloody Mary to the face RIGHT NOW.
I won't hoard restaurant recommendations so I can get there first.
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NOBODY CARES.
I won't needlessly try to pronounce foods in other accents.
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Because I either sound like an idiot or pretentious, or most likely both.
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I will never "check in" anywhere ever again.
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Especially at a fancy restaurant.
I won't take credit for "discovering" a new restaurant that I actually read about on someone's blog.
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It. Doesn't. Matter.
I won't pretend I know the first thing about wine.
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And if I do know something, I won't be a dick about it.
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I won't hold everyone else up at the farmers' market because I want to know every purveyor's life story.
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Some people have other things to do.
I won't brag about all the cronuts I've eaten and then tell everyone how mediocre they are.
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It might be true, but, come on.