A new gift idea for your loved ones: Graduate School Barbie™.
Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms: Delusional Master's Barbie™ and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie™.
Every Graduate School Barbie™ comes with these fun-filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours. Graduate School Barbie™ comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after two weeks or her first adviser meeting (whichever comes first). She also has adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.
Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans and five-year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "I hate my life" t-shirt. Graduate School Barbie™ talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow," "I'd love to rewrite" and "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's. But noooooo, I chose to further my education, I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd have an excuse to stop working on my degree that's sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul..." (9V lithium batteries sold separately).
Graduate School Barbie™ is anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing. Deluxe Barbie™ comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add a little water, and watch Graduate School Barbie™ burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for the whole family!
Other accessories include:
Graduate School Barbie's Fun Fridge™ is well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99 percent fat free!), and a small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum™.
Graduate School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet™ comes in fabulous (Pepto-Bismol) pink and contains Barbie-sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie's Medicine Cabinet™ not available without a prescription).
Graduate School Barbie's Computer Workstation™ comes with miniature obsolete PC (in pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price. Tech support sold separately).
And Graduate School Barbie™ is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!
Graduate Adviser Ken™: Barbie's mentor and adviser in her quest for knowledge, higher education and decreased self-esteem.
Graduate Adviser Ken™ comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Graduate Adviser Ken™ deliver such wisdom to Barbie as "I need an update on your progress," "I don't think you're ready to defend yet," and "This is no where near ready for publication."
Buy three or more dolls, and you can have Barbie's Thesis Committee™! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.)
Real Job Skipper™: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper™, who got a job after getting her bachelor degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper™ say, "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe™ and Savings Account™ sold separately.
WARNING: Do not place Graduate Student Barbie™ and Real Job Skipper™ too close to each other, as there have been several cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.
Karen Zgoda is a doctoral student at the Boston College Graduate School of Social Work. She writes a blog at karenzgoda.org, where this post first appeared.