Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 1 of Animal Planet's "Meet the Sloths."
I don't mean to brag, but I've liked sloths since before it was cool. Remember the teacup pig craze of 2009? I don't, because I was busy liking sloths. How about when Kristen Bell tried to corner the market on sloth-loving in 2012? I've been having panic attacks over three and four-toed varieties since the late '90s, and all I got were some weird looks and the book "Codependency and You" (granted, there may be a bit more to that).
Long story slow, I knew I had to check out "Meet the Sloths" and try my claws at a review. I mean, I've already done "Teen Mom," "Teen Mom 2" and "Real Housewives of New Jersey" recaps for HuffPost. The only real difference between those women and these sloths is that sloths make the world a better place.
Episode one starts with a montage of some of the 150 orphaned (why, mom?) and injured (now I'm crying) sloths that live at the world's first sloth sanctuary in Costa Rica. It's basically like Sloth Vegas there -- lots of gratuitous sloth nudity, all-you-can-eat buffets, illicit sex and complicated emotional issues. Nursery manager Claire, sloth scientist Becky and "chief sloth savior" Judy are the promoters, and I assume they are paid in happiness and joy.
"Glorious sloth queen" Buttercup is basically the Beyonce of the sanctuary. She run that sh--. Only difference is that if you like it, you should put three rings on it.
A few neighborhood kids brought her by about 20 years ago, and she was the sanctuary's first resident. Though she initially slept on the couch (you know, before her big break), she now reigns from a large wicker basket that hangs right in the thick of things. In celeb years she's like, 390, but she dutifully greets the paparazzi daily and hasn't given into pressure to tweak her appearance. She's got a Stacy London gray streak thing going on, and she's #workingit.
Meanwhile, in the nursery, two-year-old Cory is dealing with a major annoyance. Orphaned baby sloth Jesse is a stage-five clinger, and the creepy bromance is not being reciprocated. Jesse is smothering Cory both literally and figuratively, because he considers Cory his mom. If Jesse were a person, I think he'd be Woody Allen. Lots of issues with boundaries. See ya in therapy, Jesse ... and stay away from Sloth Yi.
Sloths are very solitary animals; they don't even hang with their babies. So basically, this is Cory's living nightmare. He's screaming, but nobody hears him. By the time he gets his mouth open all the way, everyone has left for the night. If he tries to text Buttercup, Jesse prepares to slowly fly into a jealous rage. A week later, he flies into aforementioned rage.
Next, there's a whole segment on how sloths only poop once a month. It gets a little too descriptive for my tastes, and I begin to gag violently. With so many sloth faces for us to just look at and feel good about, I'm not sure why we need to focus on the other end. I mean, this show is REALLY into sloth excrement. I thought we'd move on after a commercial break, but now we're just getting a closer, chopped-up look. I feel like we're all at the Gastroenterologist together, and it's not going well.
Oh, great. Just when I thought we'd hit our threshold for grossness, the baby sloths have caught a bug that gives them diarrhea. This is like meeting your favorite, can-do-no-wrong celeb and realizing that he/she explodes after eating Taco Bell, too. I don't want to know about that! I just want to keep thinking you're perfect!
Is there some anti-sloth subterfuge going on here? Was this show produced secretly by teacup pigs? I assumed a sloth epidemic would be really adorable, but it's terrible!
Then, the worst happens. Jesse stops improving and TOTALLY DIES. What the hell, teacup pigs?! Are you trying to ruin my entire LIFE?! Even "Greys Anatomy" gives us a full episode with a character before killing them off and reducing viewers to a puddle of soggy tears. Denny Duquette got like, half a season before scarring us for life. How could you not drag this out to a soundtrack of songs by The Fray?
Then, to ensure that I never recover, they tell me that Cory is also in a weird depression. Much like Drake, he hates to sleep alone -- even if his cage partner was a confused, underage Sloth White Male. It was either Mother Teresa or Charlotte from "Sex and the City" who said that it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them. Hopefully Cory can take some solace in that (though he really struck me as more a Samantha).
We end on a positive note, with Buttercup happily ensconced in her new basket, which has been lined with the "sloth chocolate" she loves. No time to mourn for her dead pals -- girlfriend is gonna have her hibiscuses and eat 'em, too.
I am not really sure how sloths (or sloth fans) are going to feel about this tell-all show. Sloths have a pretty good racket going, what with all the sweet GIFs and photos in boxes. But now that I've seen 'em pooping and getting pumped with meds that makes them foam at the mouth, I'm kind of freaked out. Foaming at the mouth isn't going to get you on a Buzzfeed list of Adorable Sloths Adorably Doing 33 Things That Are Great.
I guess a show about sloths is a little like living in NYC. At first, it seems super fabulous and sparkly and great and you want to go to there. But when you look closer, it's kind of disgusting and gnarly and someone is always trying to relieve themselves in your general vicinity.
"Meet the Sloths" airs Saturdays at 11 p.m. ET on Animal Planet.