If you moved to Miami from elsewhere, you probably dated these guys. If you've dated in Miami, you definitely dated the guys in Stacy Russell's great piece in the Miami New Times. But let's face it: if you've been in Miami for long, you've dated more than 10 guys. If so, you've probably dated these guys too:
1.Hablo un poco ingles guy. You have no shared language but his Russian, Creole, French, Portuguese or Spanish turns you on. Love (lust) binds you. Until you get bored watching him Skype back home and just want a conversation with anyone who understands that Liz Lemon is funny.
2. The Waiter/Bartender. We're not in LA or NYC and it's not the '90s when the Miami modeling business was strong. Despite what he claims, he's not a model-actor-waiter. He has those dreams, but he doesn't move out of town to chase them. So he'll probably be waiting tables years later when your new boyfriend takes you to dinner at his restaurant.
3. The Boca Guy. You met him on Match.com or eHarmony.com or probably JDate.com. You've had a few dates in and around the Aventura mall. But gas is expensive, I-95 North always has traffic and how many Imax & Cheesecake Factory dates can you stand?
4. The Pinecrest Guy. He's divorced with at least two kids. He is still living in the big empty house or moved into a townhouse nearby. He's a nice guy who hasn't been single since 2006, so he calls instead of texts. He's available every other Wednesday and alternating Thursdays. Just make sure the divorce papers are actually signed.
5. The Burnt-by-a-Gold-Digger Guy. He's still bitter about the blonde babe with boobs who only wanted his bank. Now he takes every opportunity to tell you he's not paying for your mortgage (you never asked) or buying you Louboutins (you didn't ask for those either) or going to Zuma unless it's Spice Month (OK, maybe you dropped a hint about the rock shrimp at Zuma.) You have one more month of decent dining with him until Spice Month ends. Then it's 10 months of Five Guys and MyCeviche.
6. The Plastic Surgery Obsessed Guy. He's a plastic surgeon or good friends with one. He stares at your forehead a bit too long and in an evaluative way, not a loving gaze. He asks if you want new boobs although yours are bigger than A's and still in A+ condition. You break up with him for fear of turning into a RHOM.
7. The Beach Guy. He's into yoga and surfing. He listens to you and is in touch with his spiritual side, yet manly. But he won't leave the Beach. Ever. Midtown, no thank you. Why bother with Monty's in the Grove when there is a Monty's on the Beach? His Deco-pad doesn't have parking, so you rack up $600 in towing bills which he chalks up to karma. Karma or Dharma or your chakras tell you to break up with him. He's cool about it. He's sure you'll meet in a next life.
8a. The Texter. He texts and texts and texts and texts and texts. But never asks you on a real live date. Even in 2013, texting isn't dating so he doesn't count.
8b.The Real Estate Broker. He is responsible, ambitious, successful, charming and personable. But he has a showing every weeknight and all day Saturday and Sunday so you see his face more on his bus stops and bench ads than in person.
9. The Anti-Relationship Guy. He lives in a studio on Euclid or barely furnished one-bedroom in Brickell, he drinks every night and freely admits he doesn't want a relationship. But you have such a strong connection intellectually and in the bedroom. And you always get everything you want, so you stick in there. You're sure he'll see the light soon enough. But eventually you see the light: he was right--this is a FWB, not a relationship.
10. Mr. Freeloader. You see him at Art Basel, whatever the Sony Ericcson is called these days, the Ocean Drive 20th Anniversary party, the Dash Store opening, a pet store opening and even his Facebook friend's real estate brokerage opening. You think he must be super-connected. He finally asks you out--to another event. He offers you passed hors d'oeuvres and Bacardi mixed drinks. Then you realize, he didn't even bring a wallet out with him.
If you've lived here even longer, you've probably dated a few more guys. We're talking about dating which means going to dinner or drinks, not that you're going to bed with them all. Don't get scared by these high numbers. You can admit you've dated these guys too.
11. The Cloner. You went to dinner just once. Every time you've seen him since there is a different girl on his arm. You think it's a different girl except she has the same long black hair, fakers and six-inch heels. You've never sure if you should say, "Nice to meet you" or "Nice to see you again" so you just murmur in her direction and wonder if he has a cloning machine at home.
12. The Lifeguard. He's not really a lifeguard, but he seems to find drowning women and try to rescue them. When he finds out you have it together-ish, he drops you. And let's face it, your hording problem still puts you in the together-ish category here.
13. The Hubby-Wannabe/Club Guy. He talks a big game about quality and wanting to meet the right woman and settle down. Yet he can be found night after night with Molly at the clubs. And Molly isn't marriage-material.
14. Marriage Sneak Attack Guy. You thought he was #13, so you never called him back. But boom, the permanent bachelor gets married, has kids and a white picket fence before you finish the bushwacker you're drinking. You secretly wonder why he chose to settle down with her. You never see him at clubs with Molly anymore. Well, almost never.
15. The Guy You End Up With. He makes all the others look like a distant horror show or life lesson (depending if you're a glass half-empty or half-full kind of girl). He may not be the Prince Charming you first imagined when you got to Miami, but he's kind, generous, loving, attractive and makes you happy. And yes, if you date long enough, even in Miami, you will attract him.