Are you a struggling band/singer-songwriter trying to make it in today's music scene?
Have you got what you feel is a unique sound and look that you believe will, "one day," catapult you to the top of the charts? Is one day not coming fast enough? Well then, why waste precious days, weeks, even years of your life cultivating a sound or an image, that, in the end, may never amount to anything? Why not stop all that nonsense and put out a record that, by this time next week, will be a smash with the kids and critics, as well?
"How the heck do I do that," you ask? Well, have no fear my eager, little troubadours. Your uncle David has spent the past several months in his underground lab analyzing hours upon hours of Grammy-winning songs, iTunes playlists, and recent Youtube videos from the likes of Mumford and Sons, Phillip Phillips, Of Monsters and Men, Gavin Degraw, F.U.N., The Lumineers, Fitz and the Tantrums, and Anna Kendrick -- to name just a few-, and has cracked the secret formula for a hit song in today's music biz. And, best of all, he's about to share his findings with you in this easy-to-follow, three-step guide:
Step 1. Drop the bass and/or electric guitar and pick up a banjo
Let's face it, guitars are over. They've been around in one form or another since Jesus was a baby. And that incessant "boom! boom! boom!" of the bass just gives everyone a headache. It's time for something new. The banjo. Pick yourself up one of these crazy-looking, Deliverance-sounding instruments and the girls will take to you like bees to honey. Because, the only people on the planet who know how to play one will be you and Steve Martin. How cool is that?!
Step 2. Ditch everything in your drum set except the kick drum
The bad news: No matter how hard you try, you'll never be Neal Peart. So, do your mom and the rest of us a favor and toss that heap of metal into the trash.
The good news: Even a monkey can stomp on a kick drum pedal! And, remember that "boom! boom! boom!" you lost when you dumped the bass? Now you can get it back in spades using only the kick drum! You're welcome!
Step 3. Fire your lead singer and call up 500 of your closest friends
Why have one whiney vocalist when you can have a chorus of five-hundred whiney voices?! The "gang vocal" is more popular now than it was back in the days of Pope Gregory. Suggestion: If you don't have 500 friends, a Craigslist ad mentioning instant fame, fortune, and a world tour should do the trick.
(Bonus Hint:) Whether you're male or female, you may want to seriously think of doing a duet, ala Diamond and Streisand. According to my calculations, regardless of merit, a single featuring both a boy and girl trading verses in today's music business will bring in at least six times more -- and climb the charts 3x faster, than a boring solo vocal will.
Armed with this invaluable information, the only thing that remains is the melody -- which, unfortunately, you need to come up with on your own; but which, fortunately, is the least important part of the equation.
From here, all that remains is to combine the banjo, kick drum and gang vocal and blast it into cyberspace. If your face isn't on the cover of Rolling Stone by this time next week, I'll refund 100% of your money. No questions asked.
Fine print: This formula expires next Sunday. As, by the end of the month, all artists mentioned above will, no doubt, be has-beens, and another unique artist -- perhaps one like the amazing Kristy Kruger - will be everywhere, and will soon be copied endlessly for their "vintage-yet-new" sound. 'Til then, best of luck!
Next week: How to write a sure-fire Dance hit in five minutes.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.