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Predictions for Barack Obama's Health Care Speech

Nov 09, 2009 | Updated May 25, 2011

On Wednesday evening, Barack Obama will address the nation on the topic of health care reform, one of his signature issues during the campaign. Whatever else may be true of the final bill that comes out of the House and the Senate, we can be sure that it will leave progressives disappointed and marginalized -- even moreso than usual -- and corporate congress people (both Democrat and GOP) thrilled, thrilled, thrilled.

It is in that spirit that I humbly present the following predictions for Obama's Big Night of Triangulation and Defeat.

1) Before the speech even begins, Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT), giddy with certainty that Obama won't demand the inclusion of a public option, and intoxicated with visions of the millions more dollars he'll receive from health insurance companies, releases not a small amount of ejaculate into his non-descript gray suit.

2) Sen. Grassley (R-IA) passes the time by going back and forth between two sets of prepared remarks he will give after the speech. The first set, or "professional" set, describes that even though he won't approve of the final bill, he's glad Obama "reached across the aisle." The second set of remarks, or "actual" set, read as follows:

Hahahahah! You maroons really ate my dick on this one! We had nothing! You had everything going for you. We had nothing! Death panels?! That was a fucking bet between me and Rush about who could get Palin to say something stupider. Oh, hey, by the way, good luck getting a single-payer system passed someday. Hahahahahaha you maroons couldn't pass a kidney stone through a drain pipe.

3) Following the speech, which demands neither a public option or even gives lip service to a single-payer system, Reps Kucinich (D-OH) and Weiner (D-NY) are found in back-country Virginia muttering to themselves, "the horror, the horror."

4) Halfway through his speech, Barack Obama pauses, looks down, shakes his head, and says, "What happened to me? I squandered the best chance this country has ever had to push through real reform, because I sold out to insurance and pharmaceutical companies. I take it all back, dammit! We're starting over, and we're not including special interests in the debate this time. Instead of asking 'what role does the government have to play in health care,' we'll ask the question, 'what role do private, for-profit companies have to play.' The answer, my friends, is none. Now, let's join the rest of the goddamn Western world and provide universal coverage for our citizens!"

I'm just kidding, that last one would never happen. Also, I'm kidding about Max Baucus creaming his jeans. He can't even come unless Billy Tauzin is watching.