Well ladies and gentlemen, last night I, along with a few friends, decided to do the unthinkable. We went to simulcast of Glenn Beck's Common Sense Comedy Tour. And let me tell you, it was amazing!
But, why should I tell you, when I could show you? See, I snuck in my camcorder and am now proud to present a bootleg copy of Glenn Beck's hysterical "stand up" routine. If Glenn looks a little funny, it's just the tape.
Alright, that wasn't actual footage. But, I did actually go, those were actual topics of Glenn's "comedy," and Glenn did come out dressed as a Founding Father in act two. Don't believe me? Here's my ticket stub.
There were about 20 people in the Chicago theater. My friends and I were the only non-believers. I secretly was hoping they would all rise at one point, turn to us like the pod people in Invasion of the Body Snatchers and yell "We Surround Them!!!" But, they didn't.
I actually live-blogged the event on Twitter, so I thought I'd post some of the "highlights." I corrected some typos and added some quotation marks, but here is Glenn's "comedy" as it unfolded.
Opened with a joke about Whoopi Goldberg stabbing a man. about 16 hours ago from txt
Making fun of public schools. Haw haw. about 16 hours ago from txt
Making fun of Henry Waxman's looks. about 16 hours ago from txt
He's very sweaty. about 16 hours ago from txt
Keeps wiping his sweat with a tshirt. about 16 hours ago from txt
He has a band aid peeling off his neck. about 16 hours ago from txt
Nothing like seeing his pores on the big screen. about 16 hours ago from txt
Made a joke about killing Big Bird. about 16 hours ago from txt
Saw one minority in audience. about 16 hours ago from txt
He's almost crying. about 16 hours ago from txt
Keeps doing Marvin the Martian or Larry the Cable Guy voices. about 16 hours ago from txt
According to Glenn, his wife has the voice of shrew. about 16 hours ago from txt
Just made a pedophilia joke about a kid writing with her own blood. about 16 hours ago from txt
Lots of people in audience have matching yellow shirts. about 16 hours ago from txt
Oh, they have the snake on them. about 16 hours ago from txt
Ok. Act two. Glenn's says he's coming out in costume. Hoping for a giant teabag. about 15 hours ago from txtNope. Its a founding father's outfit. Kind of disappointed. about 14 hours ago from txt
Opened 2nd act saying "give me liberty or give me jelly donut". about 14 hours ago from txt
George Washington wooden teeth joke? Check. about 14 hours ago from txt
Getting close to crying again. about 14 hours ago from txt
The pedophile kid was named Sally Mukenfuch. Forgot that earlier. He did a call back. about 14 hours ago from txtSome guy in audience yelled "revolution!!" about 14 hours ago from txt
Uh oh. He's bringing audience members on stage. about 14 hours ago from txt
Fat dude in Iowa shirt is "England". Preppy dork is "revolutionary". Cute woman is "freedom". about 14 hours ago from txtBeck said "progessivism". Audience booed and hissed. about 14 hours ago from txt
Made a "Whoopi stabbing" call back. This time stabbing Woodrow Wilson. about 14 hours ago from txt
He just did a little dance. about 14 hours ago from txt
He's running out of energy. about 14 hours ago from txt
His manic depressive side is starting to show. about 14 hours ago from txt
He's hawking his new book. No shit. about 13 hours ago from txt
Telling people buy copies and give them to friends. about 13 hours ago from txt
Looks like he's about to cry again. about 13 hours ago from txt
He's yelling now about McDonald's and air conditioners. about 13 hours ago from txt
Glenn says "I don't sleep very much". about 13 hours ago from txt
Almost cried talking about how people don't listen to him. about 13 hours ago from txt
Glenn just grabbed his penis through his pantaloons. about 13 hours ago from txt
About to cry again. Ah. No. Now he's yelling. about 13 hours ago from txt
Glenn said, not joking, "it takes a village". Some in audience groaned instinctively. about 13 hours ago from txtCloses with the line... "Don't eat the tater tots! Thank you, good night!" about 13 hours ago from txt
Well, there you have it. Glenn Beck's "comedy" in a nutshell. Later that night Glenn tweeted:
Just got word we may have set a ticket sales record. Makes me happy that bloggers had to pay to make fun of me. :)about 20 hours ago from TwitterFon
I replied to him that it was worth every penny.
Feel free to follow me on Twitter if you're someone who does that sort of thing.