I desperately hope that you're reading this recap in lieu of actually viewing this week's episode of "America's Next Top Model," because it was a weird, boring mess with a yawn on top. I don't know if it's the newly-instated numbers system, or the randomly appointed judges, or the overall lack of engaging drama and content, but College Edition has the personality of a wet fart thus far. And with that bright disclaimer, allow me to escort you all into the Top Model house, where nasty Nastasia is riding high off her victory at panel. Her and Kiara situate themselves in the Tyra Suite, where they pore over racks of clothing they're not allowed to wear out.
Everyone is atwitter about former frontrunner Leila's untimely departure from the competition, because (apparently unlike before) "anyone can go home at any time." Brittany and Yvonne have a bone to pick with social media consultant BryanBoy about the way he shook his head when Leila was axed, and Laura annoyingly resolves to "focus on just winning everything." We shift from the winner's edit to the loser's, as Yvonne whines that she's "over it ... [she's] a product, not a person," which is truer of reality TV contestants than would-be models.
In the morning, the girls enter Culver Studios to discover model/judge Rob Evans and babyface Catherine Zeta Jones a.k.a. Chrissy Teigen -- the two are dressed H-to-T in velcro bodysuits adorned with tiny orange spheres and neon stripes. As they talk and awkwardly flail about, tiny glitchy avatars on a nearby monitor move in sync, like terrifying marionettes. This supposedly makes sense because college kids play video games, and models ... move around weirdly? In any event, each contestant is made to squeeze into velcro armor and mime out a boat escape scenario in which she must scale a small pile and roll over a limbo pole. I'll admit, I did think the activity was kind of cool, but unfortunately, it was without purpose or fun -- think about olden cycles, when the girls would trash-talk one another on fake red carpets, or flub their way through a traditional Thai dance in front of a live audience. All we get to see this time is Victoria being her gawky Gollum self and Laura basking in the brief glory of her win.
Back at the house, Brit's pissed about not winning anything, and explains that she "always wants to be the best," which must be hard on a girl who attends community college. Vicki has another psycho phone convo with her mom, before unnecessary gay P'Trique rolls in to lisp the phrases "clock is ticking," "booties in gear," and "wild, wild west," which all sound like Destiny's Child lyrics to me, but apparently mean that the ladies will be participating in a steampunk photo shoot! Laura, probably reading from a script, describes the genre as "Victorian style with 19th-century mechanics," but the most important thing about this concept is that MIKE RUIZ is shooting it! Yes, this daddy-for-all-seasons and A-List New York alum will be lending his sweet weave and timeless sweater collection to the set.
Stylist Johnny Wujek (a.k.a. Jay Manuel's replacement) and Mr. Ruiz reveal that the shoot will involve "elaborate costumes, vintage trains, and a temperamental costar," as Mike makes owl hoots and Kristen hates on birds at large with the remark, "I don't think anyone's really a fan of birds." The styling is generally pretty and fun, albeit a vast interpretation of the steampunk concept. Once again, there is literal steam everywhere as the models pout it out on trains, pipes, and clocks as Groovy the Owl digs his talons into their flesh. Most of them are completely forgettable, although Laura works her angles and Vicki (with red plastic lace stamped on her face) creates a character backstory in which she murders her boyfriend. Kristen gets in another awesome sound bite: "She's always a damn character!" When asked to change her skirt, resident totem pole Yvonne makes a fart sound with her mouth, inciting an argument with BryanBoy that's embarrassing for everyone involved. After tossing around the word "rude," apologies are quickly exchanged and suddenly, we're at judging!
Back in the day, Tyra Banks would claim that every "ANTM" photo shoot was based on a shoot that she herself had done, and judging would open with a vintage-ish snapshot of TyTy; nowadays, we get some half-hearted theme photo of Tyra and Rob Evans posing like Cougar and BoyToy. (Does art imitate life?) Tyra looks like a washed-up fish as she introduces the judges: bitch PR maven Kelly Cutrone, Rob Evans, and BryanBoy, dressed in the ugliest outfit I've seen since fuzzy Juicy Couture jumpsuits with Uggs was a trend. As usual this season, most of the photos are blah. Kiara reads a fan comment that could have been written by me while I was blacked out: "Androgyny is one thing, but Kiara just looks like a man with makeup on." Kristen looks like a bored waitress and Yvonne is told to "swallow" her comments, which I feel is a mixed message to send to a plus-size model. On the upside, Laura gets straight 10s for her insane owl circus realness and Brit gets some shout outs for edgy face, but everyone seriously needs to stop saying "Disney." Calculators are consulted, and the breakdown for Week 6 is:
Laura: 46.2
Brit: 39.1
Allyssa: 35.7
Kristen: 33.9
Kiara: 32.8
Nastasia: 31.8
When we discover that home-schooled crazy Vicki and sourpuss meatball Yvonne are in the bottom, we all know who's heading out -- Yvonne bites the big one (30.5) ,Vicki reclaims her throne (31.7) as House Psycho, and order is restored in the "Top Model" Universe.
Come back next week, if your heart can handle it!
'Til then, fierce and love,
Nick