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McCain's First Day in Office

Nov 17, 2008 | Updated May 25, 2011

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- DAY

JOHN McCAIN sits behind his desk. JOE LIEBERMAN is with him. An AIDE enters.

AIDE
Mr. President, the Vice President is here.

MCCAIN
Send her in.

SARAH PALIN enters.

PALIN
Mr. President.

She walks to Lieberman and shakes his hand.

PALIN
Hi! Can I call you Joe?

LIEBERMAN
You've met me before.

PALIN
I know that. I just like askin'.

McCain walks around to the front of his desk.

MCCAIN
My friends, I just received word that the Russian 37th
infantry division has moved towards the Ukrainian border.
NATO is looking to me for a response and I wanted your input. Sarah?

PALIN
Why do I have to go first?

MCCAIN
Because you're the Vice President.

PALIN
Oh, well, you know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to
figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's
economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to
any parent there on the sideline and ask them, "How are you feeling
about the economy?" And I'll betcha, you're going to hear some fear
in that parent's voice.

McCain and Lieberman share a confused look.

LIEBERMAN
What does that have to do with the Ukraine?

PALIN
Well, it is has everything to do it, because right now people
are scared and we need to create jobs for the... uh...
(straining to think)
... Oh, You know... those people who aren't rich, but they're not poor... uh...

MCCAIN
The middle class?

PALIN
(proudly)
Yes, those people.

MCCAIN
Sarah, we're talking about the Ukraine.

PALIN
Huh?

MCCAIN
You don't know anything about the Ukraine, do you?

PALIN
I certainly do! The Ukrainian Embassy is across the street
from my office. I can see it from my window.

LIEBERMAN
And that gives your experience?

PALIN
Well, it sure as heck does, Joe. They are my neighbors...
they are in the neighborhood that I am the executive of.

McCain looks to Lieberman who throws his hands up in the air.

LIEBERMAN
(to McCain)
Hey, you wanted her.

MCCAIN
Sarah, you have to do better than this.

PALIN
(rolling her eyes)
Oh c'mon. How long have I been at this, like five days --

LIEBERMAN
(To McCain)
I bet you wish you could back and pick me now.

PALIN
Say it ain't so, Joe! There you go again pointing backwards again.

LIEBERMAN
Does she even know the campaign is over?

MCCAIN
(growing anger)
Sarah! Focus! Can you do that? Can you focus on the issue.

PALIN
Of course, silly.

MCCAIN
What do you think we should do?

PALIN
I think we need to get General McClellan to get all Mavericky on them...

MCCAIN
That's it?

PALIN
And send over some Joe six-packs to get all mavericky too.

LIEBERMAN
That's all you have to say?

PALIN
I think we have to deal with the evil-doers and protect Americans
and U.S. Citizens, because if the Iranians get a nuclear weaponry,
then the bail out... I mean the "rescue" plan will not let us find Bin
Laden and Rove V Wade might not be overturned.

MCCAIN
Oh my God! She has... Talking-Point-Syndrome!

LIEBERMAN
Sarah, it's going to be okay. We have people who can help you.

PALIN
I want to go back to the energy plan, though, because this is --
this is an important one that Barack Obama, he voted for in '05.

MCCAIN
Oh God! I've got four more years of this.

PALIN
Oh, man, it's so obvious I'm a Washington outsider. And someone
just not used to the way you guys operate.

MCCAIN
(growing angry)
Answer the question about the Ukraine! Can you do that!
Can you answer the freakin' question?

PALIN
I may not answer the questions the way that either of you want to hear,
but I'm going to talk straight to the American people and let them know
my track record also.

MCCAIN
(very angry)
You're a moron! You know that? You're a freakin' moron!

PALIN
Someone didn't get there prune juice today... Isn't that right,
Mr. Grumpy pants?

MCCAIN
Get out! Get out of my office before I...

McCain grabs his chest and falls to the floor. Lieberman reaches out and shakes him by the shoulder.

LIEBERMAN
Mr. President? Mr. President! Oh my god! He's dead!

PALIN
Gee, that's terrible.

LIEBERMAN
Do you realize what this means?

PALIN
Of course I do...

She stares at him blankly.

PALIN
Okay, maybe you should tell me.

LIEBERMAN
It means that you're the President of the United States!

Palin walks over to the Presidents desk and sits. Her demeanor changes into a take-charge attitude.

PALIN
Okay, get the 101 airborne on tactical alert. Have State fire off
a protest to Putin. Get me on the phone with Brown, Merkel and
Sarkozy. Oh, and tell the Chinese so they feel included.

LIEBERMAN
(stunned)
You're... Smart.

PALIN
Smarter than you boys. Close the door on your way out, Joe.
Oh, and send Todd in. I'm going to need a new secretary of defense.