Five Staffers McCain Should Fire

Jul 31, 2008 | Updated May 25, 2011

Senator McCain, that is how your campaign has been described. It's time to attack. Allow me, in my infinite charm, to get your blood up.

Goddamnit solider!

I expect these type of undisciplined campaign shenanigans by some pudgy, no neck, shit-eating Democratic congressman running unopposed in some sleepy mid-western district, but not from you. You were a P.O.W! A goddamn war hero. It's time to cowboy up and nail some people's asses to the wall. Let the purge begin, brother, otherwise the only thing you're going to president of is the steering committee at the Elks Lodge.

1. Jill Hazelbaker - Director of Communications - Ye wise old maverick has transformed into a bumbling, flip-flopping, illiterate, sonuva bitch. In only 10 days you and Miss Jill have publicly staked out contrasting messages on Obama's motives for going overseas, on the surge, and on gay adoption. Only to reverse yourselves once pushed against a wall. Then she allows you to pen your own op-ed to the New York Times?! Do you think Obama sat down, reached inside himself, and pounded out an impassioned Iraq treaty on his fucking Airbook ? No! He probably had some 24-year-old Harvard-educated hanger-on with a trust fund and a "deep sense of injustice" write it. When your director of communications allows you to write YOUR OWN OP-ED she's not doing her job. And the piece you wrote was nothing short of incoherent. Motherfucker, do you even know what a damn comma splice is?! Damnit, McCain, you have war drums to beat, palms to grease, and virgin land to drill. You do not have the time to write some piddly Op-Ed. Get Hazelbaker in line or get her gone!

2. Russ Schriefer and Stuart Stevens - Ad Consultants - On Tuesday your backwards ass campaign sent an electronic mail message that asked recipients to choose between two ads to air on TV. Each ad was a two-minute montage of pundits-gone-wild for Obama. Played back-to-back, it was four straight minutes of talking heads extolling on the wonderfully intoxicating things about your opponent!! Are you telling me that you can't find some soulless, slick, ad wizard hacks that are willing to sex up your image and fear monger for you?! UPDATE: No need to fire them. They already quit! Jeezsus. Pull it together!

3. Tim Griffin - Chief Opposition Researcher - Pay Attention Senator and memorize this passage from good book, All the King's Men. Willie Stark is explaining to his young researcher how to smear the opposition without telling a single lie: "There is always something, Jack. Man is conceived in sin and born in corruption and he passes from the stink of the didie to stench of the shroud. There is always something. Make it stick." Jackie boy makes it stick, alright. He betrays his own damn father to make it stick. And you're trying to tell me in the couple of months since you clinched the nomination, this ghost-faced turd, Griffin, hasn't been able to uncover one salacious lie, scandal, double-cross, committed by your opponent? Get the fuck off Twitter and Youtube and get your head in the fight McCain, Swiftboat this motherfucker or drown.

4. Steve Schmidt - Campaign Manager - Your campaign did a good thing challenging that Obama fella to some old-timey townhalls. It shows you have balls. Voters dig balls. Here's the problem: You're getting your balls kicked in. Your manager ain't prepping you right and your staff is a mess. Yesterday in Maine, a volunteer got up in front of the crowd and ranted at you about how your lazy staff works less than the volunteers. Last week you turned up in New Mexico, which I assume, based on name alone probably has some major immigration issues. And what do you talk about? Local economy? Social Issues? No, victory in Afghanistan. When you were asked about building research labs in Albuquerque you went off about electric cars in California, then saluted the fact that "the government invented the internet." You need to stop blabbering like you're a bored housewife who's white-wine drunk. What the fuck is this Schmidt guy doing? He better get is lilly-white ass on "the google" and find out some local issues before you get in front another crowd and get your balls handed to you.

5. Randy Scheunemann - Foreign Policy Adviser - This asshole needs to be demoted to geography tutor. This guy probably knows that you, McCain, get easily confused about which "mooselums" we like and which Africans are being liquidated. This guy should be sitting you down every day with a map, a pointer, and a can of mace and quizzing your feeble ass on the difference between Sudan and Somalia, Iraq and Afghanistan, and the goddamn USSR and Russia! Every time you fuck up, this guy gets to mace you. If he's too much of a pussy to mace your malarial, jowly, liver-spotted face, I will gladly take his place.