Are You Angry Your Ex Appears Fine After Your Divorce or Break up?

If you are grieving the loss of a romantic partner or of a marriage, remind yourself that grieving eventually opens a door to new growth and happiness. I can't tell you how often I have seen divorce or romantic loss eventually, with healthy grieving, lead to healthier patterns and more fulfilling unions.
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Many women tell me as they manage their divorce or breakup that they drive themselves crazy with the realization that their former love "seems fine" and has apparently and easily moved on. They obsessively self-criticize for their very normal grief process--asking themselves: "What's wrong with me that I'm so upset..." or "I should be further along by now..." How is it that he seemed to love me so much and now it's as if we never knew each other..." "How can he be fine when I feel so miserable..." "How could we have been so close and now I'm a stranger to him..." Keep in mind: a flight into health is typically temporary.

Many women experience profound loss and despair when a romantic relationship comes to an end. Whether this is a break up with a boyfriend or a divorce from a longer-term commitment, women typically fully experience the heartbreak. Even if they are responsible for initiating the break up or divorce, still they ache.

It's troubling when going through this natural process to your see the man you were in an intimate relationship with seemingly easily moving on, while you are stuck with hurt and sadness.

In fact, research does show that women experience greater pain and heartache after a break up than do men. However, and this is important, although women typically take longer to heal they eventually really do fully get over it. Men on the other hand, oftentimes go into an immediate "flight into health" appearing fine and even happy. Eventually this façade wanes however, as the sting of the loss sinks in over time. If they don't work through the loss fully, they find themselves stuck repeating the same old negative relationship dynamic with new partners.

Grieving is a natural and healthy component of letting a relationship go. When we don't allow ourselves to feel the hurt that the absence of someone we cared about creates then we deny, we avoid, we suppress. Eventually the hurt swells, transforming into behavioral or emotional dysfunction.

Part of grieving is thoroughly understanding what the good and the bad really was in the relationship--both within our partners and also within ourselves As I describe in my pocket guide to Breaking Up & Divorce-- 5 Steps: How to Heal and Be Comfortable Alone, we have to accept that which we no longer have in order to cultivate positive, new prospects in the future. And too-- if we don't do this work, we are bound to repeat the same mistakes in our next relationship. It is more challenging in some cases than others, but there are straightforward steps a person may take to speed the healing process and intelligently prepare for a new romantic relationship.

If you are grieving the loss of a romantic partner or of a marriage, remind yourself that grieving eventually opens a door to new growth and happiness. I can't tell you how often I have seen divorce or romantic loss eventually, with healthy grieving, lead to healthier patterns and more fulfilling unions.

Yes, grieve but at the same time be kind to yourself in the process. Instead of "What's wrong with me that I'm still upset about this relationship," remind yourself you are upset because you deeply cared for someone who is no longer in your life. It would be bizarre/robotic/inhuman to care for someone so deeply, let them go and never miss or ache for that which is no longer yours.

There is a future out there and, with forethought, sadness will give way and you will be prepared for something better.

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