Dear Lovely Lady Food Dispenser,
I love you, especially when you feed me. What I don't love, however, is the cat. He is not of sane mind.
I have brought this to your attention before, but I ask again, have you ever wondered what's wrong with the cat? I don't mean why he doesn't chase balls or have any friends. I mean why he is content to lie around for hours (lazy?) staring into space (psychopath?). You have to wonder if there is any brain activity happening in his furry little head.
And another thing, why does he take so damned long to eat his food? OMFG. That tiny bowl of stuff would take me a few seconds to scarf down but he chews delicately on each individual kibble until I think I am going to go insane. He licks at the wet stuff like he's licking an ice cream cone (not the way I'd eat an ice cream cone, for sure). Good for him you put it up high on the kitchen counter.
But this is the scary part: he's homicidal.
He's Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He acts all tame and stupid in the daytime but after you go to bed, he becomes a killer. A serial killer.
I have seen him stalk a little rodent in the dark with his feline night vision and kill it with such sick enjoyment that he drags the murder out as long as he can. For as long as the poor victim can draw another breath. This is, for lack of a better term, sick shit.
What I'm trying to convey is that he is not the sweet, lazy, cuddle-buddy you think he is. He is a narcissist (among other things).
Has it ever occurred to you why he comes over and lies on your keyboard when you are using your computer? Has it ever occurred to you why he refuses to pay any attention to you at times when you lean in for a kiss?
I'll tell you why. He's also a control freak. He has fantasies of world domination. We are all in serious danger. We should run for our lives.
Or, better yet, why don't we free him from his unnatural caged existence within the confines of this home (which has clearly caused his feline dementia) and LET HIM GO OUTSIDE?
Why didn't I think of that before? Let the little killer out to find as many rodents as he can eat? Make him a free-range cat! He'd love it.
And then maybe I could spend the night on the couch like I used to without having to worry about the evil cat killing me in my sleep. And you can give me that wet food in those little tiny cans.
Think about it. Sound like a plan?
Just leave the door open.
I love you, food lady!
Your Loving and Loyal Canine Companion,
The Dog
photo credit: Take that! via photopin (license)
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
